dear dave,
feeling kind of lousy. Came home early yesterday feeling sick, and it stuck. Sucks to sit around, watching tv, feeling like crap, and having no motivation. A soul-sucker.

Nice day. and hex has been great. Remi likes to sleep close.

Hopefully I can rally tomorrow, and pull myself back together. Stronger, heathier, and back to work.

dear dave,

its sort of chilly today!

I went to the gym this morning, and found an itouch on my machine. I turned it in, but after snooping a bit. I'm not really a snooper. I discovered a long time ago that sometimes you find what you are looking for, and can't handle it. People have a right to their privacy. But I couldn't help myself. Luckily there was not much to discover. A few boring emails and music.

Not really sure how I feel this morning. Mondays are ALWAYS like this. I have stuff to do, but nothing feels pressing, or actually ALL feels pressing, and I can't decide where to put my time. So I fiddle.

Hexy and I made apple slices with my mom yesterday. I fun afternoon, and they turned out perfect. Sort of like frosted apple pie, or homemade poptarts. I seriously can't stop eating them. Especially when they are all cooled down. Plan to do that more often - she has so many great recipes - and it's fun spending time with her, doing things she loves.

Ok - I'm off to print at the Corcoran. Or at least I will be, after I do the 1,000 things I want to get done.

Oct 18-25, during regular store hours, I will be working in the window/studio at UTRECHT, on 13th St. in Washington, DC as the resident artist.

Not really sure what I plan to do yet, but should be really fun!

Come see me, take pictures of me, keep me company, and maybe buy something (?)

today I am a seedling.

I'm brand new, trying to make my way.

I need a lot of support, and nourishment to survive.

I need luck, and perseverance.

Things could go many different ways for me, but I'm hopeful and encouraged that I will make it.

Pushing out my flowers, thriving, and supporting new plants that grow up beside me.

All around me.

The future is bright, and hopeful.

dear Dave,

Ha - its Friday, and all my focus has vaporized.

Studio is busy, and I think I feel really distracted. But by what? i don't know.

Im going to make a list, and start checking things off. Thats the only way to proceed.

Plans this weekend?

Class tomorrow
maybe Fame tonight with Ronnie
Cafe Asia party Saturday with Ernie
Apple slice making with Jimmy Sunday

And of course, coffee with Hexy & Megan, and Rock Creek with rem.

Ok, back to work. WORK

dear dave,

I can see now that this "late-in-the-day" posting schedule doesnt work. by now I have no interest in writing.

Today was good and productive. have a few new projects in the works, and finished a few. Still need to work big-time on my site, and get that running. Shipped shirts, which feels good. Think I have the system down. Now volume!

Its so September. October just around the corner. looking forward.

dear dave,

I dont know what I do with all my time, but it quickly escapes me. Here I am starting another day, vowing to GET THINGS DONE.

All these loose ends that just stay loose, flapping in the breeze.

I feel momentum building with the shirts. The whole thing is just waiting to bust out. I'm not sure when the tipping point will come, but it's coming.

(and I need to be ready)

busy / scattered.

Why is it always 7:30, and I'm rushing to leave here?

Made some new shirts, but they were major duds. Like pugly, that's about it. oh well. Tomorrow is another day.

to do

finish shirts
clean office
mail payments

paint board
drop print to baked & wired
collect $

deposit Wachovia
deposit Chevy Chase bank

draw
blog

pursue.

dear Dave,
got up early, took remi out, and had bagels and coffee with hexy at starbucks. The perfect Sunday morning.

managed to get TS's print done yesterday. It was a lot of work, but I'm pretty happy with the result. Want to sand it down a bit, and add the sides. Maybe a little wax to give it some shine.

The big news is that I think it's the first print in a new direction (sort of). I think I will find success in doing more prints like it. my plan is to make a big push this fall, and see where it takes me. Corcoran is offereing tons of open studio time, so that will give me a chance to go into super production mode. more content and inventory!

No more sales from B&W lately. Not sure why things cooled. I was on such a tear for a month or so. Really strange, because I think my new grouping is really strong. You never know. Thinking about having a small "closing party". Seems like a fun idea.

I get so nervous about the future. I'm scared to look at my bank balance. A strong fall is very needed.

dear dave,

it was cloudy this morning, but Dave K and I managed to take some good pictures. Sort of frustrated about how the shirts fit differently. That got in the way. But I have to report, I still love our collaboration, and feel really happy that it's possible to continue into the Fall. I need to learn more about lighting. I'm losing a lot of good shots because I don't have the lighting right. Need to make that a priority.

Taking show down today, and freshened up Baked & Wired show yesterday. So glad to have the chance to show there. Its been a huge advantage, and success.

Overall very happy with my show at the studio. Wish I could have drawn more people in, but I need to learn more how to do that. Its hard making people interested enough to want to come here, out of their usual lives. I keep telling myself I need to learn. That I have a lot to learn - which is the right attitude.

Gearing up for printing at the Corcoran again. Tomorrow I return! Let fall begin!!

dear dave,

gloomy, but productive day.

Shoot with Dave was put off till tomorrow.

Show closed with a whisper.

Made most my show shirts - some still on order.

Plan to refresh Baked & Wired this afternoon.

Not much more to report.

Sort of blah, but that's ok.

baby, I can see your HALO...

HALO -

HALO-

HALO!

dear dave,

Today is Wednesday, and Im waiting for some people to arrive for the show. Its a bit nerve wracking - like waiting for the cable guy. Im super distracted, unable to just work, because i know they could arrive any minute. And when they do arrive, I don't know what to do. Do I hover over them, and explain everything they are looking at? Or do I leave them alone to look at it all unguided? Its always a hard balance to strike.

ANYWAY - went back to the website yesterday, and realize that there are still many holes to fill. Unsure about how to show the prints well. They are super hard to photograph. But I will plug on and figure it out.

I took down many of the nudes, since I got the message that they were becoming a liability. Its an ongoing question. But I feel fine with changing it up. Im getting a lot of younger fans on facebook, so that seems most appropriate.

I need to set a deadline on the site, finish it! and email blast about it. That will be my plan. By the end of next week, it will all be done.

Hoped to connect with a few new models that I was excited about, but they fizzled. Too bad.

dear dave,

feeling a little more settled today. Had a good day yesterday with Hex, hanging out together, and supporting him. We spent almost an hour in sitting in the circle, watching people go every which way. Coming home, meeting friends, off to dinner, walking dogs. It felt so soothing to sit and relax, and observe. Nice to be with each other, and feel each other. I'm so lucky to have my Hexy. So so lucky.

Back to work this morning. An early start at the gym, followed by a wonderful shower in the spa-like locker room. Fine soaps and scrubs and shampoos and conditioners. Its nice to take care of myself. Be kind to myself.

Caught up with Richelle, and Kim. And here I am, back to my desk, in front of my huge computer, ready to start a new chapter.

Excited to get back to the Corcoran to print, and to deliver all the prints and shirts that were sold at the show.

Im looking forward to drawing, and taking more pictures. Have a few really great guys (Dave too) that I will potentially be working with. Have new projects to plan.

I'm off.

dear Dave,

Focused on Hexy, and making sure he is ok after the very very sad day yesterday.

had to leave the show early, so hopefully nobody was too disappointed that I wasn't here.

Not much in the mood to write about all this, so i won't.

Ahhhh

Dear Dave,

I can breath now, after a few VERY full days stressing about getting everything done for the show opening.

Last night was GREAT! All my friends are so terrific - and I LOVED seeing them all here.

Hex worked SO hard helping me prepare.

Im really happy to have some time to relax, and not feel all the weight. I have a few days to man the show, then its on to the next big thing.

struggles continue!

shoot with Dave this morning was fun, but I'm not sure I got much. Need to mix things up, but I don't know how. I need to take better pictures. Or not just snap away. I'm frustrated with myself.

Now its getting late in the day, and I'm feeling like a fuck-up (again)

This week has been tough. I am at war with myself. A small upset became a mini skirmish, which grew into a large-ish battle that has become ALL-OUT-WAR.

I just can't make peace with myself, get into a groove, and move. Instead, I'm just bogged down, dragging along. I do something, like it, realize it SUCKS, think about throwing it away, and feel bad about it all, asking myself "what are you thinking?"

I'm dying to get out of this mind-swamp, but don't know how. I have waves of happiness, and my mind clears. This morning with Dave was really fun. I love shooting him and walking around. He is such a great guy. Then, I came back, and my mood slowly devolved.

I look at all the pictures, and wonder what they are good for. I look at Google analytics, and see that my web traffic is way down. I think about my HUGE framing project, and shudder. I'm feeling so lost, and unsure.

yikes

things sort of go from bad to worse.

I need a break. Some new air. I don't know!

I seem to be unraveling! Everything was going so well, until the countdown to the show approached. Until August set in!

I feel so muddled. And I keep hoping that some magical moment will lift me up, and send me on my merry way. It's not happening.

Something has to happen to change this energy. I really can't stand this feeling much more. The feeling of invisibility. Of stagnation. I'm soaking in my own juices. The air is heavy and stinky.

-------

I've sorted and signed my prints. Ive picked a photo collection, and am working towards printing. Ive made peace with the space. Shirts are ordered. Toner is on the way. I wish I was feeling better about all of this!

Maybe it's a good time to make a list.

A list of things I really LOVE.

This will make me feel better!

I love when Hex yodels.
I love it when Remi snuggles up against me in bed, and when she drives with me in the car.

I love coming to work and parking near the giant grassy hillside.
I love the sound of August bugs
I love ice coffee, and remembering being with MJM in NYC
I love Courtney's laugh
I love taking new shirts out of the dryer, and surveying it, all fresh and crisp and cotton-ey

I love doughnuts
I love driving down canal road on summer nights
I LOVE pet shop boy's remixes
I love remembering my bike trip in Italy, and how I planned to seduce Ron on the last night in Florence

I love breezy summer air coming in the window
I love napping in shady rooms
I love getting emails, and letters in the mail.

dear dave,

I'm really struggling with myself these past few days. I'm working, but getting nothing done. Mostly I'm just stalling. And avoiding making any choices about my show. I feel stuck. How to move forward.

Just writing this maybe will help.

I'm worried about the space, and especially how to organize it, and make it cohesive. WHAT do I do with all my photographs. I feel really stumped. I really don't see them as art. I struggled with this at Artomatic. Of course that grouping had nudity, so it demanded some sort of attention - which I won't be doing here.

I feel like I have tons of nothing. Pictures of Dave that are personal, and only significant to me. I don't even know that they are significant to him. The magazine project felt like a perfect vehicle to organize and package them. Even then though, I didn't know what I was going to do with them. Give them away? In the end it fell flat anyway, although I'm still considering it for the future.

Somehow I need to just make peace with it all. Settle on a plan, and make peace. I'm thinking that I should just print them like artomatic, paste them to the wall, and move on. They are not something anybody would want to buy. they are not important enough to put in a frame. UGH!

I just am so conflicted and bogged down. I cannot allow myself to move forward. I am in some sort of self-punishment mode. Angry at myself for being lazy and undisciplined. Insecure and scared. And super stuck.

2:18 September 1 2009.

this is bottom - from now on - it's all up!

Anniversary

dear dave,

a year ago today, I struck out on my own, leaving be as you are in the rear view mirror.

its been a really great (fast) year. A few ups and downs, but for the most part, great. I have done a lot. Not enough, but a lot. I guess I feel a little down on myself lately, becasue August has turned into such a bummer. All my momentum has grinded to a halt.

BUT - now we are in September, so I need to keep my chin up, and push on.

-----

The weather is really amazing. Sunny and cool. Had another terrific coffee with Beverly, and feel a bit energized. Thinking about my show, and all there is to do. I need to picture myself here, Friday night, surrounded by all my friends and new friends, feeling accomplished. If I stay with that vision, everything will turn out just great.

But for now - so many questions!!