friday list

accomplished:

zone 2 residentail parking sticker!
care first
mail chimp list
deep dish

pending:

female models
work table
branches print
drawings section of website
male models
cabinet sell-off
Dave K shirts

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busy couple of days. Time runs away. Im making progress, just not fast enough.

not chatty!

Blah

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I keep hearing about "win/win" situations, so I think I'll make a win win t-shirt. It's something....

Hungover after a horrible day yesterday, and rough morning. Im better off for it (all), but my head is still recovering.

Looks like I won't be getting my workbench/desk/table built today. Im thinking my guy has flaked, for whatever reason.

Im tired of being shat on (that goes for you too VIDA, you bastard blood sucker).

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Today is a new day. I'm on the other side of the storm. Time to smile, and know everything will turn out (well)

Don't drop your (unprotected) iphone 3GS on the sidewalk and shatter the glass screen. It will cost you $200 to repair, and other bad things will happen.

haha-

what a crazy anxious double reversal of a morning. I have not been on a straight path.

Cant see you today / maybe I'll have time for you. (sue)

See you at 11! / you're late, that pisses me off / oh your not showing up at all - great. (all for the best, Keenan)

This ice coffee sucks, I want a new one / Another cup from the same pitcher? ok / still sucks but for some reason I take it, even more angry (starbucks)

Ok, writing these out makes them all sound so dumb. But all I feel is uptight and unsure.

BLAH

dear dave,

super productive day setting up mailchimp. Another thing to check off my list. So far so great -- really happy with how easy it is to use, and how efficient it's going to be.

Picked up my car, now $2000 poorer. What more is there to say?

No shoot with Dave today, which was just as good because the weather was lousy, and I didnt have much to do with him. I have a few new guys lined up this week which should be a lot of fun. Excited to get back into things.

Hmmm - not much more to write, so I'll stop.

Fridays are for:

bringing Remi to work
reflecting on the week
picking up
forgiving myself
new directions
new order
plaid shirts
returning emails
feeling happy about what happened thursday
calming down

My thursday was SHITTY, so Im happy to be feeling better Friday. Car is in the shop so Im studio-bound for today.

Wednesday I had a mini breakdown while I was trying to finish BRANCHES. This print has caused more angst then that movie camera print I attempted for Alison before Christmas. So many false starts and missteps.

I just couldnt make peace with it. I started up printing the leaves again, only to SCREW IT UP again. Then I told myself to use the narrower boards I bought the day before. I absolutly resolved to let go of the wider (warped!) boards, only to revese my decision 5 minutes later. That little change just RUINED the entire flow of the print. 1 inch made all the difference.

So I painted over my screwed up leaves on the wider boards (second time) then went back to the complete and utter frustration over the fact that these boards are sooo warped anyway, and I will never be able to fix that.

I couldnt move forward. I was standing there with all this blocked out time to print, boards and screens all prepared, ink/tape/sponge/bucket all laid out, PARALYZED.

I decided to put everything away, drive to another Home Depot, brave traffic, and HOPE that I could buy replacement boards. The right ones this time.

BINGO! I found them. Traffic was horrible, but I made it, bought them, and headed home.

On the way, I heard this weird, distinct CLUNK, then tick tick tick tick tick. I pulled over, couldnt figure out what it was, but knew it was bad. Not wanting to be stuck there, I decided to drive home anyway, anxious all the way that my car would just suddenly stop.

Next day, car in shop, I get the news: $2100 to fix.

The BRANCHES will have to wait. Still.

rainy (cozy) morning. Had french toast and coffee with Hexy.

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Big plans to FINISH branches print today. It really has turned into a saga:

Yesterday I made it to Home Depot, and bought new boards to replace the super warped ones I have been so unhappy with. Only they looked more narrow then I remember , and they had stickers on them that said MADE IN SWEDEN!

They couldn't possibly be different (I thought) so I bought them, painted them, and returned to print them, only to discover (obviously) they were not the same as the others.

Losing that inch or so in width makes a big difference, so now I don't know what to do. Probably just stick with the warped ones.

Repainted my leaves and flowers, the ones I printed Monday with the garishly bright colors.

Returning today to reprint, and hopefully, be done.

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7:40pm (update) - not done.

a sign to hang out my window.

polo box

dear dave,

Last night Hex and I were talking about getting his passport, and suddenly I realized where my passport was: in my "polo box."

My polo box is a tin box with (broken) lid that I got in high school as a gift with purchase when I splurged on some Polo cologne. The top is printed with a cool painting of a polo match. Inside was scented soap and moisturizer, shampoo and maybe even conditioner. All reeking of that beloved 80's scent.

It quickly became the keeper of my most precious things: ticket stubs to the color purple, a macaroni necklace, super special postcards and letters, a crush's handwritten phone number. Major life memorabilia. It was so stuffed that the lid wouldn't close comfortably, eventually breaking the little cheap hinges.

ANYWAY, talking about the passport made me realize that I had NO idea where my polo box was (since or move more then a year ago). I knew I had it, but couldn't visualize where it could possibly be in our apartment. Minor concern QUICKLY escalated to panic as Hex and I searched everywhere for it. "All my most precious things!!" (and yet I hadn't even noticed them missing for more then a year).

Our final thought was to check the storage cube in the basement (which I said: "I would never have left it there, these are my most precious things!!" --poor Hex had to hear me say this 1,000 times).

There it was, in the basement safe inside a thick wooden box-type thing. I did a quick sweep of it's contents, speeding down memory lane. All the little trinkets and slips of paper were then quickly returned to the box, including my passport.

Crisis over.

(branches print detail)

dear dave,

branches print missteps (notwithstanding), my branches print is coming along.

1. the warped boards DRIVE-ME-FUCKING-CRAZY. I just can't tolerate them, so I realize my only solution is to drive to home depot, buy two replacement boards, and reprint the mother fuckers. (such language!) They really are so twisted, and I don't see them ever getting better. Nailing the boards down helped in the printing, but in the end, they are still so warped.

2. I picked horrible colors for the leaves and blossoms, so my plan is to paint over them, and start over. I like the one above, so that will be the color combo for all. All the others are too bright, and the blossoms are hideous. What was I thinking??

I wanted to like them today. I just kept looking at them, knowing all along I hated them. I have to change them, or the whole print will never sit right with me.

So there, coming along (with changes).

I remember so vividly all my bsur press checks. The anxiety over picking the right ink colors, and potentially having to change EVERYTHING on the spot. The artwork mistakes. The same anxiety runs through me screen printing. Im always on edge until its all printed, and I feel resolved. Resolved that its all it can be, or impossible to change!

Sunday!

Hexy home!

Really fun party last night with Sheon and Bill (haha, and Tommy)

Worked HARD on website today.

Poor Remi! But she got out to Rock Creek eventually.

new print from today

dear dave

hit the skids last night just before I left the studio. So down on the things I was doing, unsure where to go. Very typical Friday night crisis, but still really frustrating.

I was on my way to the corcoran yesterday, then realized my time was much better spent at the studio, planning for the next few days.

Fine - until my creative brain stopped, so time went by, and I had very little to show for ALL the time I was using.

I feel like time is such my enemy lately. I can't make peace with it. So many times I'm just paralyzed becasue I cna't decide what the best use of my time is. But of course it just passes by. Friday becomes Saturday, and here I am, back at the studio, frustrated still.

Off to the Corcoran this morning to finish up my branches print. Then I will need to disassemble it so i can drive it away (top down! its so beautiful out this morning!)

A few missteps yesterday, but hopefully back on track now. Had a fun time last night at a small Mid City opening. Excited to be part, and moving forward.

All for now.

dear dave.

I am an internet junkie. As much as I try to stay away, I can't. Checking sites for updates is my new drug, and often they disappoint. But I still check:

Major Models blog
DC Cised blog
MacRumors
AppleInsider
Washington City Paper
Craigslist Artists
Craigslist Creative Gigs
Craigslist Missed Connections
About a Boy and his briefs
Drudge Report
New York Times
MacWorld
Apple Insider Investor News
Homotography
OhhLaaLaa
TMZ

branches (progress)

dear dave,

Made major progress on the branches print(s). Finished up last night feeling good. I just have a few leaf outlines, and all the blossoms to finish tomorrow, which is very possible.

Glad to be moving forward....

This is the time to plan the next print! Ha, that just occurred to me. I always make this same thursday mistake: resting on my progress. Then Saturday rolls around, (and monday too!) and Im not prepared to return to the Corcoran to work. Hmmm- what is next?

Anyway, good week. I feel good about where I am:

Large print sale
Major website redesign
Cool postcards (redos)
Great photo sessions with Dave
Fun new shirts
Great new shirt blanks
Another large print almost completed
MCA image/bio upload
Taxes completed

HEXY RETURNS!

cheater.

The other morning I woke up early to walk a friend's dog (Venus, left) while he was out of town. Normally Remi (right) goes out just after we get up, but I broke tradition just this once.

As we rode the elevator down, she gave me this look.

recap

dear dave,

Resolved to make it to the corcoran today. This has gotten ridiculous!

My roadblock has been centered around this "branches" print I set out to make. Originally I wanted to make it on a huge board, but that presented two big problems - I could only make one, and I would have to struggle to get the giant board to Georgetown.

My solution was to do it on thinner boards, which I was thinking would work well all along, plus very easy to transport.

Last week I spent most of a morning getting the boards, priming the boards, painting the boards, and driving them to the corcoran. Not a small task, since each step involved multiple parts. It was like herding sheep.

All this to discover they were warped--just after I laid them out in the empty studio, ready for an afternoon of unencumbered printing. SCREECH. This wouldn't print well, I just knew it. Experience tells me to STOP and recalibrate.

Here I am, almost a week later, ready to go back. I'm going to nail them down to 2 x 4's to print flat, then un-nail them after.

FINGERS CROSSED! I leave in 30 minutes.

Another really fun shoot with Dave today. We went to the creepy rock creek area with the trailer. Love it.

Im actually here at the studio at 11pm. Remi sleeping below me. Hex still in LA. Dave still obsessed with working on my site. I have my coffee.

dear dave,

after a hyper exciting high, Im feeling the lull.

Working so hard on my site has left me low on energy. Feeling crappy about ONCE AGAIN not making it into the Corcoran today. I let the clock run out again.

Shooting Dave (probably) at 5. I need to rally. My energy level has tanked.

GAGGLE (detail) 50" x 43"


dear dave,

its sunday, deep afternoon.

Hex is in LA

Ive been GLUED to my computer the past few days, recreating branddave.com. SO - MUCH - FUN, but I have become single minded about it. ITs all I want to do.

Poor Remi is waiting patiently below me, so incredibly anxious to get out to Rock Creek.

Just a few more minutes Remi!

-----------

Super productive few days. LOVE the direction my site - that is why Im working so hard on it. One edit quickly leads to the next, and all I want to do is FINISH!

Had a great time with Barb friday night at the preview night of the DC Design House. (more about that later)

Finally officially joined up with Mid-City Artists, which feels like a big accomplishment. Excited to see that grow! (more about that later)

Ok Remi - your time is now!

Anxious today.

Going to Design House party tonight with Barb, and it feels like the whole day is geared towards that, because I need to get everything done beforehand. All very managable, but I'm not sticking to the script, so I'm almost daring myself to mess up. Anxiety can be so paralyzing.

Super nice breezy day-which is terrific. Right now I'm waiting to get my hair cut, which feels like torture.

Hexy leaves tomorrow for a week. Our first seperation in almost 3 years. Probably the source of some of this angst.

Blah!

super productive day - working on redesigning branddave.com some more. I found my way, and it feels really good. Im really happy with the result.

Still ALOT to do. And Ive been unproductive drawing-wise, but at least I can go home feeling sated. Another good day.

FUTURE - be bright.

what a blast! redesigning branddave.com, and ACTUALLY liking my design.

That's a big change from the past few months. Ive been so down on my skills lately. But things are changing, and IM happy about that!!

ps- I LOVE working for myself. I will never go back (happily). THANK GOD I left bsur. cheers!

dear dave,

crazy day with frustrating results:

1. Tried to upload artwork photos and self portrait to mid-city site. Took much longer then I expected because I kept thinking the photos were losing half their appeal when they were uploaded. Had to throw in the towel and be happy with what I had.

2. Actually thought I could get this gigantic piece of plywood into my Miata, to take to the Corcoran studio. What was I thinking?? It was about twice the size of the space it could fit in.

So I was stuck another day, unable to print. I ended up going anyway, thinking I would start on a smaller piece of wood. Better then nothing, right? No. So I made screens, and plan to continue tomorrow, with planks. I just couldn't bring myself to crop out that much of the shape.

3. Lost my sunglasses. Between driving, parking, printing, and returning to my car, they disappeared. Nowhere. FUCK.

above: branches in progress

I have vivid memories of buying this issue. It took a lot of courage, but I really wanted it.

Playgirl was MUCH more interesting, but GQ seemed more acceptable to have and read (obviously!)

It was the first in my huge collection of magazines. Ive managed to cut WAY back, especially since i moved a few years back, and just couldnt bring myself to move hundreds of magazines with me.

Anyway, I LOVE the ads (and pictures). Always have. I remember reading this in my bedroom, listening to U2 records (WAR). It was put away in my largest desk drawer, under a bunch of stuff. Not really hidden, but not out in the open.

For some reason my mother threw it away, I think while I was away at school. I remember seeing it in the trash, and not having the courage or inclination to take it back. It was easy to feel shame. Obviously wanting this magazine at my age made me different. It was a clear signal that I didnt have privacy (in my desk) and that somehow she was on to me.

Thinking back about it makes me feel weird. Throwing it away seems so hostile. Violent almost. And why did I just accept it?

All those feelings can so easily come up again - especially when I think about my artwork - things I want to draw and photograph. Obviously I have gay interests. But Im still shielding that to a certain degree. I don't want to put people off.

Sometimes that just sucks.

dear dave,

time goes by SOOOOOO fast. I seriously cannot seem to get a handle on it.

I get here to the studio, work, and all of a sudden its 1. Then I eat, scramble to make some shirts, work some on "mid-city" artists stuff, and its 6. I have at least 4 more things on my list to accomplish today.

Where does the time go? How can I reasonably get things done? I really don't know. Its not like I'm taking time on each task. Sort of a bare minimum existence.

I'm struggling...


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good weekend. happy to be past it. There were a few things on the list I was stressed about. Now I feel like I have a clean slate. Happy to be here, in this place.

dear dave,

today is about being productive, and staying on track. photography, website, drawing, print preparation, exhibit refreshing, etc.

Its already 1. Will report later how it all shook out.

above: print from Tuesday