disaster strikes! (not really tom)

dear dave,

Drag - another cancellation on Jamilah this morning. The v-necks I was working just were not cutting it. So it's all back to the drawing board on that project.

I've done this twice to poor Jamilah now. I wouldn't like me so much if I were her.

It's a really beautiful day today. A major shift towards cooler temps, which made it possible to excavate my poorly installed window ac, and open the window wide.

Time to regroup on my day (and brand!) and move forward.

-------

My day yesterday ended on a good note. I was really happy with my print, scoped out the new iphone 4, made some fun plans for Peter, and had chicken with the ladies. I can't decide which photo to post, so I'm doing both.

rock creek sunday (with Rem)

dd,

my eye keeps twitching, which tells me something is up! I've got to make some changes to try an isolate the problem. Coffee and computer time are first to strike off. BLAH!

Typical monday anxiety:

Make more $
Work harder
print more
do better
you suck!

Happens like clockwork. Hopefully I can find my groove soon, and settle in to the week.

Finishing Lexie print, making shirts, working on store, and marketing. All my plans.

now to it.

peter, june 25


dear dave

success at corcoran, and fun with peter. two things I like to be able to say!

feeling hyper after tons of coffee and very little food. Just had a sandwich, so hopefully the caffeine will get absorbed.

Another fun shoot yesterday. We went to Dumbarton, and I wished I had stayed a bit longer. A little disappointed with the pictures afterwards. Sun was strong, and we talked a bit to much. But oh well.

Feel like I cracked the v-neck block, which is such a good feeling. Really like the result, and plan to do more (women's)

All stirred up, I came back t the studio determined to make a major site-revision. Too bad it was very ambitious, and the time was melting away. I'm back today to make another attempt.

Off.

(UPDATE - branddave.com revised! may not seem like much - but it was a major revision. Finally split up men's and womens shirts, and added a bunch back in. Next up - MORE womens! More Vs!)

dear dave,

good day at the corcoran - but cut short as usual. Saved the print in some respects, because I was just about to make a big mistake, but caught myself. Of course now I'll have to compromise a bit to resolve, but that's ok.

waiting for peter, and putzing around. Updated my model mayhem portfolio. not sure why, but I did. I keep wanting to take more pictures. more more more. I am insatiable. Clearly that is what I'm enjoying right now. clearly.

I have PLENTY of stuff to do, so I'm going to get to it.

dear dave,

feeling bogged down. My brain is stuck on one thing - one loop, that I'm not sure matters at all. I go into these editing comas. Everything important is put aside.

Had a fun shoot with Nate yesterday, but for completely understandable, and agreed upon terms, most of the pictures are not usable. Still I keep pouring over them, trying to fit what I can use into my existing portfolio. Sometimes things just don't work!

It's hard to come to that conclusion (as an artist). You put your heart and soul into something. There is an emotional connection to the work. You want it to be successful, to be happy with it. But I just can't get there. Sometimes you just need to cut it all off, and say: done, over, move on.

EXACTLY the same thing is playing out with my large prints. I feel like the moment is lost with them. I just can't make peace, and feel confident and proud.

I always fear that it's just me - my eye. It's hard to trust in myself (completely). Blah!

-------

I looked at an old bsur catalog yesterday, and was SHOCKED. How could I possibly have worked on that and been happy with it? Proud of it? Back then I thought it was pretty good. It was. Now it just seems ALL wrong.

------

DONE! OVER! MOVE ON!!

nate, today

dear dave,

working on stuff. Came to the studio this morning, and made some progress on Lexie, which makes me happy. It's always rough getting those drawings out. I love that moment where I feel settled, like satisfaction. I NEVER know if it will happen, I just hope for the best.

Still feeling crispy after Sunday at the beach. And my eyelid is twitching like crazy. I'm hoping its just an old contact that needs replacing. FINGERS CROSSED.

Off to the corcoran for the afternoon. I'm not looking forward to the struggle. DREADING it. Wish I could get this done, and be super happy with it.

Again: fingers, crossed.

dear dave,

Friday shoot with Peter was awesome. He is so open and free with his body, and I just love that. I feel really inspired by him.

Saturday and Sunday at the beach was great. Really nice to get away from all the routine and just RELAX. I couldn't help but feel a little jealous walking around town, seeing all those giant beautiful houses, filed with beautiful things and people, relaxing and enjoying themselves. I missed that feeling.

I'm not really sure how to describe this, but I've sort of put all that aside for myself after leaving bsur. Like I always need to be thinking about work, and I should never allow myself to overindulge. It's like sticking to a diet, because I know if I have just one dessert, the floodgates will open.

This isn't really coming out right, because it's not like I'm working all the time. I have a great life! and plenty of downtime. It's just shocking to see the amount of money people have, and you can't help but ask yourself: why not me?

Peter, Rock Creek Park, June 18

more

dear dave,

apparently it only takes a few glasses of wine (and a HUGE steak) to give me a bad hangover and overall gross feeling. Had a great dinner last night with Sheon and friends, but started to feel the consequences this morning around 4. BLAH! Had to venture out to CVS for aspirin, went back to bed, drank plenty of water, but still (at 11:38), I feel bad.

OK day at corcoran yesterday. Frustrated with print, but I'm trying to stay positive, and resolved about it's outcome. I want what I want, and I'm going to get there! Stay the course.

Working on really large, very simple prints. Because of those two factors, they are very technically difficult. But I really really want to get them right. If I do, they will be great.

Short day today. Working on shirts for Monday, and have a shoot with Peter. That should be fun!

Then I'm taking Rem to great falls, then to Jimmy's, then pizza night with Bill, then BEACH tomorrow till Sunday.

packed schedule, as usual.

[1:36 UPDATE: Still hungover. please body, get over this!]

Felt really down on myself this morning.

Sometimes I just have to ask: what the hell am I doing? I'm making this up as I go along, and so much is out of my control.

I'M out of my control (the inconvenient truth).

It's really easy to get discouraged because I don't always have feedback when I need it. I have to rely on myself a lot. Feel confidence.

It's not always there.

I make mistakes, but nobody is here to give me real shit about them. Consequences float away. I KNOW they are there (lurking), down the road, but I tend to ignore them.

All this to say: I'm feeling better.

Mixed bag at the Corcoran - but I guess that's to be expected. GREAT having the whole studio to myself. A revelation!

Think I'll redo my "That Bird" print though. I want it to be great, not just ok.

The biggest story of the day: IN RAINBOWS. Love at first listen. perfection.

dear dave,

tuesday (means) printing! Got boards to Corcoran, now need to return and start.

Cloudy day. Middle of the month. Feels sort of cozy.

I have my coffee, and I'm feeling good about that!

fun house mirror for sale at Good Wood

dear dave,

"things come and go, but I don't"

I keep thinking about that little poem I wrote at urban outfitters on the cover of thier catalog. It just came out of me.

Anyway, I have the studio to myself today, and I'm enjoying the quiet morning. Its nice to be on my own, after a sunday spent running around here and there. Hex doesn't like to sit at home! The sun was scorching hot, so I felt like a soggy bag that he had to drag along. We went to the farmer's market in Dupont, the gay pride festival on Freedom Plaza, and Good Wood on U st. It was a lot of walking.

Saturday was productive at the Corcoran. I set out to make some small prints, using the leftover wood ends from my various boards. They are all super simple, but I like the combinations.

I intend to focus more on printing. ITs really hard because I am sooooooo easily distracted. I have to see that for what it is: future unhappiness. Only discipline will bring me happiness. Not all this lazy jerk off shit. (ha - I feel strongly)

Decided to put off photography for awhile. Happy with peter, and have hopes for my female model coming in today. That could be it, and I'd be happy with that. We'll see.

Ok - in the spirit of being productive, I'm going back to work!

I'm really liking Peter. Rock solid guy, fun to be with, and interesting photos.

TRYING to get corcoran prep done. The everlasting struggle!

I'm a man of few words lately!

dear dave,

really beautiful day today. Warm and breezy and sunny.

Realizing that I'm not planning my time well at all, and today is a consequence. I have a shoot right in middle of the day, preventing me from printing at the corcoran. From now on I vow: Tuesdays & Thursdays are for printing!!!

Ahh, discipline. My archest of enemies!!

Have Dave & Peter coming in tomorrow, so I'll be working on t's for them today.

Scrapping my current print at the corcoran, and moving on! I can't seem to make it work out. Time to cut it loose.

Lots of things to think about (thanks Barb!). It's easy to get overwhelmed, and do none of it.



Baby steps Dave, baby steps.

dear dave,

printing tuesday was a bust. (typical!!)

Still have a few days in the week to redeem myself. We'll see.

Kevin, June 9

dear dave,

not feeling so much like writing the past few days. hmmm. I've been thinking I might be coming down with something, but don't wanna give in to it.

Have had a fun few days. Saturday printing went well (returning today), and yesterday I shot some pictures of Ariella (above). She was fun, and really pretty. I didn't think she would actually be a small, but of course she was, so I didn't have much to shoot. Oh well. I like what we did.

Dinner plans with Barb tonight, more photography and printing this week. Great weather. I have nothing to complain about!

dear dave,

Sitting here at the studio, SWELTERING, singing along to bjork b-sides, waiting for my boards to dry. Gotta get to the corcoran for "class". Same old Saturday story! You would think I would learn. I like it this way.

Ive had days (weeks) to prepare, yet I take it to the limit. Well that may have worked out in my favor, because I solved this problem that was vexing me. At least I think I did.

Feeling all over the place lately in terms of creativity. I'm so excited about shooting pictures, and keep trying to set up another nude shot, but it doesn't seem to be working out. Then I redesign my whole portfolio, adding and subtracting all the sexy shots I have. I keep struggling with private, personal, public presentations. Who can I afford to offend? Why should I censor myself? If I just stick all this stuff in a non-viewable corner, whats the point?

It goes directly to all that deep seeded shame I felt. Pretending not to be gay - but being SO attracted to men's bodies. It's so easy to tap into. The well runs deep. I fight it hard, but then its there again. So interesting.

For the most part I have conquered all this. I really have! But it lies in wait, ready to seep into my unconscious.

The balance needs to be found. I'm still looking.

ps - this probably makes NO sense to anybody.

Peter came today, and we took some shots of my new shirts. What a GREAT find! I'm so in to working with him this summer. He is nice, easy going, really cute, super personality, and looks great wearing branddave. A keeper -- I'm expecting great things!

I'm working on an edgier line called Dirty Dave. This is the logo t.

To see all the other great new shirts we shot, visit branddave.com!

By now, if you haven't heard this story yet, you are out of the loop! Here is a short version:

I saw this dog from behind, and wanted to snap it's picture and show to a friend, because the fur was long and cute from behind, a perfect example of a well groomed shitzu. Of course I was startled at first when I saw her face, but shock became adoration almost instantly.

Now i just look at this picture every time I'm feeling a little down. I love it so much. That face. What a sweet sweet face.

dear dave,

today has been sort of a wash-out work wise, but maybe that is not such a bad thing. Coffee with Beverly this morning was nice, and a long lunch celebrating Sheon and Tanya's birthdays was delicious.

Im back at the studio now, getting odds and ends done. Have a lot back logged. Better get to it!! (I just realized some are pressing!)

things come and go,
but I don't.

make it shorter,
but not too short.

angle it down,
it won't hurt.

all of the time you are watching my steps,
where did you expect me to go?

wait...don't answer that
now.