dear dave,

What a crappy week! Not one for the record books, but will be remembered I'm sure. A minor cold progressed into a major sinus infection in a scary-short amount of time.

Tuesday night was the worst. I couldn't sleep, had pounding pain in my face, felt really nauseous, and had these crazy extreme temperature spikes. In the middle of the night, I had convinced myself I was being visited by demons, and that I needed to rebuke them to become well. Very "supernatural" - the tv show. I think it's that horrible over the counter cough medicine. Makes me crazy!

I made it to the doctor Wednesday morning (already feeling much better), and have spent the rest of the week holed up in my apt with Remi and Hexy, cancelling things as they came up. I kept expecting to recover, only to feel the same.

This morning I didn't want to stay home any longer, so I took myself to work, and feel better for it. But a lot has been missed and cancelled, and I feel set back. Two full printing days, two photo shoots, website work for Beverly, shirts to ship, and a studio visit.

Oh well.

Forward> (healthier)

not much time to blog - so a few choice words will have to do:

bruised balls

facebook ads

inception

banana fish

anxiety

colonoscopy

kickback

talisman (no thats not right)

google (f-ing) analytics

online sales

rainstorms

fear

ps - new print (planned) above. extra open studio tonight - so Im working late

blah!

I feel drained. I have put serious effort into this underwear thing. Past week or so I have been so focused on pulling it together. Getting samples, photographing Peter, setting up the site. All took major work.

But I'm excited about it. I think its a strong, confident step.

I really do feel washed out though. Sometimes you just have to put your head down, and say "time to rest and recharge"

have a good weekend.

Shovan, july 22

curses!

missed another blog day! for every one I miss 5 years gets taken off my life!


Listening to Leave Me to Bleed by Erasure, all jazzed up on coffee. (actually trembling from the caffeine infusion)

BUSY day yesterday working on underwear website. Excited about my progress. Another side project, but fun!

This song reminds me of my summer in The Black Hills studying Geology with Irene and Connie. Such good memories. Also funny to think about is how sexed up I was before I went, alone in the house, parents away, listening to the radio on the fridge in the kitchen.

Ha Ha!

we all have secrets.

dear dave,

typical tuesday. rushing to get to corcoran. not much time to work at studio. bits and pieces here and there.

I went to home depot this morning to buy new wood. Lots of material buying lately, which gives me chills. I hate spending money, and sometimes I get stuck on how perfect the BLANK material is. Like I can't possible improve this perfect piece of wood by painting over it and printing on it. Then I go into this instant spiral > what should I print?? Ha -Its a never ending drama!

So Ive settled on 5 birds (not friends). Putting snakeman pattern print down for the time being. Almost bought this big slab of concrete drywall to print it on. Glad I didn't.

Lunch, then corcoran. fingers crossed.

images: I Love these guy's moustaches. Made me think to suggest to Peter. HE has the square face for it. Other shot is found wood, already used!

dear dave,

good fun solid weekend working playing eating resting.

I don't have much work to show here because it all seems like it's in a midpoint. I'm slacking on the picture taking and drawing (and posting)!

Prints - working on snakeman pattern. I completed my print saturday, but it feels like a bit of a failure. I want to like it more then I do. It feels very much like a first attempt, and I can see it improving a lot with a little more careful printing, and a better surface to print on. Now I just need to decide if it's worth my time.

Underwear - coming along! I had a great shoot with Peter friday, and I got what I was looking for. So I'm on 2 paths with this, and I'm really excited about both. Terribly excited!

Shirts - I'm shooting with a new model (female!) wednesday. I've had soo many stops and starts. I'm just so conflicted - and I've been content to have it simmer on the back burner for awhile now. GRRRRR.

Photography - A new guy also coming wednesday to shoot. I have high hopes for him - he is really beautiful.

Marketing - ahhh. blah.

there is NOTHING more nagging then a tiny sliver of something stuck underneath my contact lens.

I was lazy this morning, and didn't stop to remove it before leaving for the day, thinking it would fix itself. WRONG.

A frustrating and stressful hour later (go home? drive home? walk home? buy saline? buy something cheaper? did it fix itself? use lens lubricant, use tap water, I think it's fixed, this will drive me crazy all day, buy saline from CVS!)

it's fixed. thank God.

I've been working on super simple prints lately. Not really sure what that is about, or if I'm satisfied.

I just hauled over some giant boards to the corcoran. Lets see where they take me.

Planning for Peter tomorrow. Think this is a make or break shoot for the underwear. My fingers are crossed.

This whole instant ice coffee scheme isnt working afterall. I'm really not fooling myself. It has none of the depth as the real thing. I guess it's not another experiment that didn't pan out. They are stacking up!

Nice sunny day, middle of the summer. My time is mine.

A h h h h h h

dear dave,

Amazing what a massage can do. Of course I'm super familiar with how great they are, and how wonderful they make me feel. But it's been a long time since I splurged, and I'm so much better for it!

Finished my second print at the corcoran yesterday, looked at the clock, and figured I could dashed home to let Remi out (and postpone our planned walk in the woods), then slip in an hour massage before meeting Hexy and Lee for True Blood and pizza.

Once these ideas set in, there is no turning back!

Boy - was it worth it. Marco is brilliant at what he does. PERFECTION. A perfect perfect hour.

Afterwards, I walked out to a raging thunderstorm with no umbrella, no cash for a cab, but a huge blissful smile on my face.

I walked home in the pouring rain floating on air. Wow - what a GREAT massage!!!!!

tuesday!

feel fine.

I was thinking as I was on my way to work that this blog should really be called the angst files. So much of what I write about is frustrations and drama. But I guess that is what's in my head.

I'd like to say that everything is just fine, but I really am in a lot of conflict about a lot of things having to do with branddave, my work, and my future. I want it to be able to sustain me (obviously), but so many times I do things that block this from happening. Or I loose steam on good ideas and get discouraged.

I keep telling myself that it's not a simple thing, and that I need to be patient. And that is how things end up in my mind.

But that doesn't really solve anything. All the doubts just rest there, waiting to be fed another day.

all for nothing

Late Friday I schedule a model for Monday @ 11am, because I'm anxious to get going, excited to shoot with him, and it's his preference.

Saturday morning I stress out, because I have a lot to do for Monday, I don't have Saturday printing yet planned, and I only have a few hours to do it all.

Saturday afternoon I feel good, because I manage to get my print started at the corcoran and my underwear samples made, so I look golden for Monday.

Sunday morning I stress out, because I decide to try and add in more underwear to shoot Monday, I have a little time to pull it together, yet I cannot seem to make anything happen, run out of time, and feel really unsure about the entire enterprise.

Sunday night I stay up later then normal, trying to get things prepared for the morning.

Monday morning an email arrives, asking to push the shoot back an hour. This after I've put both Hex and Richelle off, so I can make our 11am appointment. Fine, I reply, just no later then 12.

Monday noon. No model, just a lame email about oversleeping a nap, and a request to reschedule for Tuesday.

FU.

(update) on again for soon...

(update 2) all sort of a bust. I feel a little deflated and frustrated. I want to put my head down!

blah -

tired, but got a lot done.

busy couple of days!

great shoot with Peter yesterday. Nudes and branddave underwear.
found some awesome wood and metal to print on (need to pick up!)
started new print
updated site
made shirts to shoot Monday
made underwear to shoot Monday

I'm spent! good thing tomorrow is off.

dear dave,

really successful day - so I'm leaving the studio now.

I've been making a lot of custom stuff lately - I need to add a commissions section to the site. I have a bunch of stuff I could show.

Still hot. feeling a little grumpy. It's been an all day thing. But things are good.

above: design sheet for the josie

I love this wood. I found two pieces like this, bought them, and now I don't want to use them! THey are perfect as is. How can I cover this awesome grain with paint. Ha - I don't think I will!

No corcoran - so Im on 14th today. Scattered as usual. Planning I guess. But every roadblock leads to anxiety! What to do!?

There is a lot to do, so I need to plow ahead.

dear dave,

back from the weekend, and feeling the typical post trip blues. Not sad to be back, or that it's over. Just melancholy about saying goodbye, and returning to normal. It's like mental whiplash. Suddenly you are in a totally new place, spending a lot of time with different people, then you are not anymore. It's all so out-of-body.

I'm thinking it's a common feeling. I always suffer from it. It's hard jumping back into my routine.

The weekend was fun, but I really missed Hexy. AND - it was eye opening how we have all changed. Mostly though, it's scary and sad to comtemplate the future, because deep inside, I know it will be rough.

(top: tree at next door neighbor's house / bottom: len's barn, the soul of the property)

Dear Dave,

I'm up here in new Hampshire at uncle len's, enjoying the change of pace. Of course I miss hexy. He would LOVE it here-it really is magical. Some if my favorite places in the world are here. The meadow behind the barn, the corner front lawn, the couch in the living room, the barn, the porch, the quiet little den. All the smells and sensations are so visceral. I can't begin to explain how much I love it! A perfect place, in every way.

So Friday I shot pictures of Peter in branddave briefs. All week I was going back and forth about them. Positives: they are fun and cute, and can work well with my designs. Plus I just love the idea of shooting pictures of them.

We took pictures, but I was so unhappy with the light, and not so sure I'm in love with the fit, so I made this mad dash to remove the ones that I had posted. I think we can do better.

Sitting here, thinking it through, I've decided I want to try. Plus, more samples are on the way.

Ok-enough blog for now. Time for bed. Goodnight

dear dave,

Great day yesterday, good day today so far. A few things are coming together, and I'm psyched to see where they lead.

Shooting with Peter today. I have a new project in the works -- hopefully it will turn out well, and I can introduce it next week. FINGERS CROSSED!

Printing yesterday went well. I'm really happy with "mascot"

Think I've signed on to show at Easel in GTOWN. A huge undertaking, because it's a really big space to fill. But a great venue for my bigger work. Excited to see how it comes together.

Leaving for NH tomorrow AM. A few days without Hexy!! I'll be back early next week, ready to start july!

from the archives - good ole Dave K last fall. He's been unavailable for shooting. I miss him.