R.I.P. Remimartin - my baby, always!

Feeling better after a cathartic weekend (and horrific over night in Rockville).  Massages do wonders.

Busy printing for commissions, reprint orders, and dog days (this weekend!)  Lots of shirts to make.

Great time with Emma this afternoon at the dog park.  She loves that kiddie pool, and playing with dogs.   Lots of fun.

So hurt by XX, after seeing their ad on FB yesterday for my replacement (with my artwork).

I wrongly assumed that they were going in a different direction, something without illustrations, or a very different style, or less expensive.  I was wrong - the ad uses my art as an example of what they are looking for, quotes a larger fee than I had been getting, and list everything required as exactly what I had been doing.

What a punch in the gut.  It feels so personal.  For a reason I don't understand, they just didn't want me anymore.  I've gotten nothing but effusive praise from them (always), and have worked with them for 8 years.  WTF?

I reached out to xxxx, but haven't heard back.  Maybe I never will.

More sad days, and a lot of not so bad days.

Sue continues to dominate my thoughts, but less so the past few days.  Gearing up for her memorial, and have no idea what I am going to say, besides all the cliche stuff.  Thought today about David Saderis, and how he would have a beautiful story to tell.  I wish I could write something like that.  Funny and sad and sentimental.

Went through some of her journals on Sunday.  They were a jumble of thoughts and drawings.  Lists and poems and odes to her dogs.  Many I think written on drunken summer nights out in Poolesville.  So creative and sweet and sad and funny.  I shared a book with Jimmy, and was surprised to see her read it for a long while.  I wouldn't think she would understand her writing, or her logic.  She commented how sad Sue seemed in the books.  She really did.

So grateful to reach Casey on FB.  My greatest hope and achievement after Sue died.  Every time I think about their relationship I get chocked up.  Sue was so regretful.  Whatever happened between them was toxic at the end, and Casey never gave Sue a chance to make it right.  Something that she never got over, I know.  Just making peace with her, in my small way, makes me feel like Ive fulfilled some sort of dieing wish.  She loved her so much.

Sad to discover I won't be doing XX illustrations anymore.  Decided to do something else.  Bummer.

One door closes, another window opens.

?

More sad days pile up.  We saw Sue for the last time yesterday.  A long hot car ride to Baltimore, and sitting in a little funeral waiting room, looking at my shoes on the carpet and anticipating the worst.  It wasn't so bad, she was mostly covered, and her face had color.  Ha, it always did! 

I tried to absorb the image as best I could, and to honor all that she means to me.  But it's not something you want to linger over, the face of your dead sister.  I thought about touching her, but wasn't compelled. The exact opposite, so I didn't.

Another longer hotter car ride home, with a stop at the rest area on 95.  i remember meeting her there on our way out to the bay with the dogs.  I took Polaroids of us with young remi.  lots of memories of being with her out in nature.  Driving to remote places and tanning or walking the dogs.

Emma is frustrating us by not eating her food.  It is such a weird problem.  And leads to so much anxiety.  Otherwise she seems normal.  Or more hyper.  Just took her to the dog park where she had a lot of fun, especially with a great Dane.  I looked on prying she would get trampled.  It was huge, but very gentle.