Ugh, the end of month is never fun.  Looking at balances and fretting about money.  Is it in my DNA from childhood.  The terror associated with my parents fighting about $?  I think so.

 

I tell myself next month will be better.  Ive been doing this for 10+ years!  I guess Ive gotten by ok.

 

I am very very lucky.

 

Dropped stuff at Wharf and Roost, and was discouraged seeing all the prints at ROOST that I had forgotten about, stuffed into a crate on the floor.  Who is ever going to see those and even buy them?? Nobody.  I need to rethink.  The display on the wall looked ok, but things just don't sell.  I don't get it.  Dropped cards off and saw a lot of those there.  Seems like they primarily sell cards.

Dropped stuff off at Wharf, and this time I was a chicken and didn't check out my stuff in the shop.  STUPID - but after the Roost, I was discouraged enough.  

Back at the studio, and worked on another KAREN CICADA®, but it's all a waste of time because IG doesn't share them with anybody, yadda yadda yadda.  Jeez, i am just a ball of discouragement.

 

Ugh

 

 Another day down!

Today I got distracted by drawing cicadas after Eddie texted me.  Suddenly I'm working on the Karen Cicada character and trying to think of captions.  Posted it later to moderate success.  IG sucks.  (or Dave sucks)

Went thru lots of drawings to toss newsprint and organize my brain.  found some good drawings to pursue.  Thinking of new prints on wood for WHARF, and trolling for content.

Envelopes came in later in the day, so spent rest of my time getting the orders together.  Wow, takes a lot of time, and of course I ran out of lots of designs, so it's another tortured process of ordering and editing again.  Classic.

Anyway, time to walk home.  Looks cloudy, hope I beat the rain.

 

 Hot and humid day.  Nice to feel the heat, but draining.  AC went on at 3pm

 

Momentum gaining - which is terrific, but today I felt overwhelmed (for some reason).  

Finished pieces of prints, got orders out, reviewed incoming cards, and not much more.  Need to step on the gas to finish stuff for WHARF by Friday.  

Drawing approved, which always feels great.  Next steps will be undertaken soon.

 

 Drawings accomplished, and prints midway

Had the n o t i o n to make more creative tees today, which is a nice whiff of creativity that I haven't felt in a while.  It sweeps in, gets my mind working, then dissipates with "maybe tomorrow" energy.  

 I tell myself I need to focus on what is at hand, but really I am focused on being distracted, so I don't have to focus on "what's at hand", because that's way too pressing and important.  It's a merry-go-round of indecision, avoidance, and creativity. It gets all mixed together like a salad, but then gets tossed out at the end of the day. 

Ha, clearly I am still against myself.  Always thinking the worst of my motivations and work.  That's not good (more judgement). <---- still more judgement.

Dave: you are ok.  

You have your foibles, but nobody is that great.  Everybody fucks up.  Just keep trying.  

 

 

Everyday is a new chance to (.  fill in the blank.  )

feelings roulette

 nervous

anxious

anticipatory

inpatient

scared

fretful

wishing it would all be over with

- - -

mad

frustrated

enraged

stuck

powerless

hurt

in the dark

dramatic

- - -

hopeful

optimistic

unsure 

- - -

jealous

 

 Pushing the envelope on time.  I just can't seem to get disciplined when it comes to end of the day activities!

Working on drawing, peeled myself away, and then there is IG and blog.  And walk home!

ugh.

ok day. ups and downs for sure.  Did some printing which I think (know) is good for me.  A change of pace.  But I just sit here with myself, and all these thoughts go thru my head.  What am I doing?  what should I do?  Where will more $$$ come from?  What else could I do.  What should I be doing?  over and over and over.

Anxious to get over the hurdle of this drawing, these projects, this month, fears, taxes, etc. 

 

 Late Friday just before 8pm, and suddenly struck with printer connection issues.  Panic set in, and all I know how to do is shut off computer and printer and restart, but neither worked.  Finally took out cable and replugged into computer.  PRESTO - that worked.  THANK GOD!  I hate these issues (who likes them???)

Pretty good day.  More progress on drawing, and got cards to Pixies.  Getting rid of overstock on Mothers Day cards, which is great.  Free money as far as I'm concerned.  Loaded all my new cards to site, but not excited to show off on IG, since they really are just variations of old stuff.  That gets me down, wish I could have come up with altogether NEW.  But I think these will look good at ShopMAde & Pixies, and that was the goal.

Really shitty month $ wise.  Orders trickling in, but I'm not panicked.  sort of.

Terrible weather still, but it has to end soon, right?  How can it stay cold for much longer.

Plans for weekend > zero, besides fretting over meals for Rockville.  It's that 3rd meal that's always the hardest!

OK, off to pizza with HEXY at home

 

 Actually missed a post yesterday because I got a massage late in the day.  Really great to have all my knots and upset kneaded out of my body.  Definitely feeling the effects today, and hope it buoys me further along.  Really overdue.  The last massage was last September.

 

Temps dropped sharply, and the wind kicked in. So strange to be whipped back into winter.  

 

Good productive day.  Could be 3x more productive, but still happy with what I got done.  Finally, finally finally got new cards ordered.  Such a mental ordeal trying to get it all together and edited.  Fingers crossed they all print well, and I'm not miserable with them once I see them.  Geez, I have such a bad attitude.

Just ate a bag of fishies.  840 calories.

 

Happy with George Floyd verdict.  Was so afraid it would go the opposite way.

Ok day - finished VESPA drawing, it's approved, and now onto others.

 

Made a shirt really quickly, so I could meet usps 5pm deadline.  Made it.

Working on bunny dentist and hoodie print.  And yappy hour is still to be made.

 

Hex worked a ton on the plants, getting the seedlings in.  2021 spring is progressing. 

Walking home with Emma.  Ran to post office, and couldn't believe how out of shape I was / am.  Gross.  A year of being sedentary is gross.

 7pm and trying to get out of here!  Spent the day drawing the VESPA card commission, and made major progress.  That's great.

Weather picked up later in the afternoon.  Super gloomy in the morning.  Was excited to wash off the plants on the deck with the rain.  As soon as I put them out, the rain stopped.  Of course.

Ok weekend.  Saturday I started to work a bit, but there was a really loud party next door.  too distracting to get anything done. We are talking yelling and banging and screaming.  They were having fun.

Took Emma to Great Falls after stopping at SHOPMADE for long overdue errand.  Discouraged (of course).  all I feel lately is discouraged.  By where my prints are there, and how they are selling.  Wish I had the magic formula.  Wish so bad.

Great Falls nice with Emma.  Notable was down by the river where a group of young muscular guys had stripped down to their underwear, and gone wading into the water together.  It was so strange and titillating, but of course I had to pretend like I was not ogling them, while also managing Emma, trying to get her to fucking JUMP IN THE WATER to wash off.  She can be so difficult!  A lab who suddenly gets skittish about water.  Its just bizarre.

Anyway, it was muddy, she was difficult, and all I wanted to do was salivate over these guys (I'm telling you this was just a crazy scene).  I then asked if they wanted a dog to play with (which they did!), took Emma off leash, only to suddenly realize what a potential disaster I had on my hands with all their clothes and socks and shoes RIGHT THERE, for her to steal and run around with and create a huge fiasco.  By the grace of GOD, she came to me when I called, and I got here back on leash.  MAJOR crisis diverted.  Last time we were there she made me chase her for 15 minutes all the way down the shoreline, playing keep away with something.  So now she always gets leashed there.

Long description for a short encounter.  I lingered over watching them, but they were going to be awhile until getting out all wet, so I left.  

 

Crazy.

 Friday!

 

Worked on cards, and designs more.  Trip to BUZZ to drop Mothers and Fathers day cards.  ha - times have C H A N G E D !  Only one Buzz now.

 

Weather - cold and windy.  SOOOOOOOOO happy to find a secret coat hanging in my studio.

 

Overall - so so day.  Lots of open projects that mock me (for being open).

 

Resolved to work tomorrow.  We'll see how that goes.

 Big Day! 

Got first vax shot at CVS.  Was all really organized and easy.  Thought prick would be worse, just a pinch.

Working more on cards and drawing.  trips to ShopMade in Dupont made me realize I need to push push push more.  That really is the lesson every time.  Nobody is going to help me sell more than me.  And I need to do more!

Lots on my plate to work through,  Which is good.

 

 LATE LATE LATE

was determined to leave studio earlier these days, and here it is 7:30/  ugh

Good day working on cards.  In a groove FINALLY, but probably best to stop soon, because ideas are becoming more duplicative, and lazy.  But happy with the design elements.  fresh and colorful!

Took jimmy for 2nd vax shot this morning.  All went to plan, but it sure was weird being there during the week, going to a new place.  I felt O D D.  Like I didn't belong in Rockville then.  Glad to get the hell out.

Really nice visiting with John for a second.  Have not seen since August!

Funny/ sad thing.  I turned off their heat Sunday without telling them.  It was HOT, and I never thought it would get cold again.  I came in this morning, and they were both cold, and the house was cold!  terrible.

OK > Home now.

 

 Better day mentally.  I never know why.

Woke up to news that J & J vaccine was put on hold, one day before my appt, and one day after Hexy's.  Scrambled to find a new appt this week, and was so excited to find one thru CVS (without much work) for Thursday.  Maybe that's what boosted my mood.

Enjoyed more Morrissey while printing, and worked on new cards more.  Good progress made, although still not ready to make order.  Stuck in the in between of old designs and new.  But that's ok, it's movement forward which I desperately need.  No work on mural drawing, but feeling more positive about it.

Thought maybe I would hear about TEAMWORK, but didnt.  Anxious to get payment for BW poster.  Takes time I guess.

 

 Monday trying to get my shit together.  But it's hit-and-miss.

Cards are S L O W going.  For some reason I just do not want to work on them, so it's this long painful process of work, stop work stop work stop.  Dragging out work that should take me a quarter of the time.  I just don't know what to make, what to print, how much.  I just am muddled.

Walking Emma today I was thinking about the year and time, and how scattered I feel.  I wanted to trace it back to 2016, and not so sure if that is far off.  That election set us off in this crazy nonsensical direction that still seems parallel to reality, and not reality.  Covid and Jan 6 are just part of the crazy.

Something about looping back to the spring when it all started last year has done a major number on my psyche.  Even though vaccine is here, it doesn't feel like the solution we are envisioning.  Its still going to be awhile before we are not crazed over this.  Things just don't feel R I G H T.

It's manageable, but not right.  

Maybe it's just that I'm coming up on some major change event.  It's been awhile now - since we moved apt, studio, got Emma.  Even since Hex and I have been together.  It's easy to measure things based off new beginnings, but I havnt really had one in a while.  

 

I guess 2020 is the new jumping off point.  I don't know.  i don't know anything lately.

 Finally got VAX appt.  Finally.

Of course my initial appt conflicted with Jimmy's, so I had to reschedule.  But that's ok.

Not a great productive day.  Things suck.  But they will get better.

"working" on card designs, and did some quick printing for orders.  Slow going.

photgraphed today

 

F

R

U

S

T

R

A

T

I

O

N

! 

 

 

over not being able to sign up for vaccine.  UGH

ok day, got some drawing done.  Its slow-going, but that is normal, especially in the headspace i'm in lately.

Going home early (7), so that's all for now

 

 Lousy mental day.  

Finished TEAMWORK finally and shipped.  surprised to see it was only $15, but then again, I printed it on super lightweight wood, so it WOULD be only $15.  So in the end, my plan worked beautifully.  Started to use the cling wrap when shipping, which is somehow incredibly satisfying.  Spinning it tightly around the print.  Not so environmental though.

BW poster made it all the way to JAPAN and into the hands of the buyer (ebay).  anxious for the $$ to be released, and all to be complete.  Fingers crossed.

Dropped prints at G-TOWN, and talked quickly with Maddie.  OF course that could have been a much longer convo, but let's circle back to "Lousy mental day"

 

Took emma to Dumbarton as a treat, but the poor baby had to stay on the flexi-leash most the time.  Wish I could trust her more like Remi.  She had fun nonetheless.

Time to switch gears and onto cards / mural.  A tough transition (again, mental day).  lots of anxiety about what I should be doing vs what I need to do vs what Im actually doing.  So much conflict.  I am a mess of conflict.  this spring > not so great.

 Every day, I hope for a window out.

Actually finished TEAMWORK today - - that's about it.  

 

Little mess-ups here and there, but all work out-able.  Of course there has to be mess-ups.

 Will be happy to get it all wrapped up and shipped tomorrow.  Its big, and fragile, so want to make sure it goes carefully.

 Sunny afternoon donut with Hexy and Emma in the circle.  Then a quick trip to the hardware store for wood to finish things up.

Teamwork > wood, primer paint, black printer ink, transparency, wood for framing.

 dear dave,

Another Monday down.  The weekend was sunny and getting warmer, so took it off.  Fun having coffee.  

Lots of cooking and baking for Rockville (Easter).  All busy and sort of obligatory but then at the last minute, just before I was going to leave, Dad thanked me for the coconut cake (his favorite) and it sort of broke my heart - for many reasons.

Fun with Bill and Lee Sunday enjoying the weather and dogs and pancakes.  Nice to be out of DC, under trees, and social.  

Today I mostly finished up what I started Friday night.  The remainder of the shirts for Shop Made, little filler prints for g-town, and cleaned and remade screens to finally once and for all finish TEAMWORK.  This got way too extended, which is so typical.  I changed gears Friday, and that made it feel dragged out.  But the best plan in the end.

Now I have two coated screens and need to decide what's next.  Focused on g-town, but maybe that should change.

NEED TO WORK ON CARDS SO BAD.  it's just gotten so ridiculous, and makes me really anxious thinking about it.  Stuck on the idea of making new designs, but that's putting a three-week roadblock into all progress.  I need to push forward and make a mental break through.

Nothing to post on IG tonight, and that makes me anxious too.  

And no work this past weekend which makes me anxious even more.  Didn't take advantage of the great weather to sell tees.  Somehow I need to figure that out and go for it.  I NEED TO SELL.  Not doing anything is getting me nowhere.

I tell myself

over

and over

 

and over

 

 

and over.

 

 Pretty ok day.

Staying LATE because I squandered the last few hours, and now making up for it.  Determined to end my Friday and week on a positive note.

Made shirts and messed up screens for TEAMWORK completion.  So I switched gears to make some quick prints for g-town shopmade.

Of course that was a deeper project, had to paint boards, and they were not quick to print.  Of course.

So here I am without finishing quick prints, without finishing extra shirts for g town, without starting mural drawing, without finishing TEAMWORK reprint, without clean screens, and without ANY progress on new cards.

 

CLASSIC dave.

 

 Better day than yesterday.  Weather still sucks 9cold and windy) but not as gloomy and no rain.

It's official - signed lease for studio for 3 more years.  Terrifying, but was just as scary 6 years ago.  Time just goes on. I must tell myself that.  

 

THINGS WILL BE OK.  

 

THINGS WILL WORK OUT.

Such a frustrating process getting Longford to work out the lease, since they have a new employee, and turns out all my emails were going into his SPAM.  Of course.

Worked on TEAMWORK, and its coming out well.  Really clean.  Also went over to gtown to drop shirts.  Nice to see my prints depleted, but just more pressure to make more new fun.  Good pressure though.

RENT and INSURANCE and CABLE paid, so that's done.  Always a hurdle.