Saturday, January 31, 2009

dear dave

the whim wham opening was great. A lot of people came, and I met some really interesting new friends (collaborators!?). Got a great reaction to the show, and the the artwork I hung. We hung a string of lights down in the hallway, and I was really happy how it lit everything up.

Im here at the office, when I should be at class printing. Im never prepared properly. oh well.

Lots to do today, to prepare for the steak party tonight. Once thats over, I will feel a little freed up. anxious about getting everything together.

ANYWAY, I feel like Im complaining, when I should be talking about all the great things. Great feedback, new friends, possibility. All terrific things!

Friday, January 30, 2009

dear dave

went to the gym this morning, and was struck by what I read years ago. Tony Robbins says that all human behaviour is guided by either the pursuit of pleasure, or the avoidance of pain. I need to make NOT exercising, NOT waking up early, NOT eating the right things so painful, that I avoid it. And that will give me pleasure.

He is so right. I can see so many ways that I'm avoiding pain, but most the time its just the perception of pain. I need to see more things from the pleasure angle. It will give me pleasure to make that phone call, and work through my accounts.

whim wham starts tonight. excited to see the show, and meet some new faces!

Thursday, January 29, 2009

dear dave

change is in the air. new apartment/new attitude(?)

found out my eyes are clear! so its back to contact lenses. Hung show, but its a work in progress.

not in the mood to write, so I will leave it at THAT.

Wednesday, January 28, 2009

dear dave,

chilly!! sitting here, waiting for my body to absorb the heat below me. I need to paint the hallway, and work on more artwork for the show. But first I need to eat my sandwich. Im starvin'

The studio is buzzing, in anticipation of the show. Lights are up, walls are painted, and plans are being made. Its fun.

There will be a lot going on the next few days. opening / class / steak. one thing at a time. one foot in front of the other.


Tuesday, January 27, 2009

dear dave

excited for the upcoming show. Finally thinking about it. h helped me hang "jake waters seeds", which looks good back in its place.

snowing today, which is nice. I feel cozy in my office, with my new file cabinet, and cookies.

Monday, January 26, 2009

dear dave

you reap what you sow. My seeds have been lackluster lately. Time to step it up a few thousand notches.

But where to begin?

Lots of things to worry about on the horizon. I feel like a ball of anxiety. Where is my steely calm? My granite confidence? Funny how easily those things can vaporize.

I had a vision, and its now getting murky. I feel very off my game. Time to retrench, and consider changing course.

goodbye -- to sandraa -- deeeeeeeeeeeeee

Friday, January 23, 2009

dear dave,

lame is my new favorite word. Its not new or anything, but I'm noticing that I like using it.

Tomorrow is CLASS! Still no word from megan, but I'm assuming she is in. I can see that its going to be hard juggling class, and apt. searching. It will have to work out.

I will be happy getting back in the studio. But as per usual, I'm not prepared, and feeling dead-ended over materials. I never seem to have what I need, and stress out over getting it pulled together. Tape, paper, transparency. MUST VIEW AS INVESTMENTS.

Update: my grand plan to return to lifting has been a BUST. must. get. back. on. track.

I got to the studio early today. Hopefully I can be super productive. Make a list, and check it off. Finish email, work on Beverly, plan show, make some shirts, draw, Asher, class.

model set-ups have slowed. No good candidates on the horizen. I think I will relax that for a bit, and work on other things. Have someone scheduled for Monday. Will focus on him.

Thursday, January 22, 2009

I'm sorry

dear dave,

I woke up today, and my eye felt funny, and sure enough it was time to SEE the eye doctor. Now I will be washing my eyelids twice a day with baby shampoo, and wearing glasses instead of contacts. Could be worse. It always could be worse.

Visited Jimmy, who has been given tough news. Much lies ahead. She will endure (with us by her side), but its tough for her to hear and comprehend. I feel bad for her. We shared some egg salad, and talked about this and that. It was nice to spend some time with her.

Back at the office, feeling a bit aimless since its late in the day. Seeds have been planted, and I'm waiting to see if they sprout.

Wednesday, January 21, 2009

dear dave,

great photo session this morning with Benny (craigslist). All that I wanted and more. 2 of my favs are below, but there are a lot to choose from. A terrific step. I want to do more!! I will do more.

Sluggish yesterday, but that's ok. Watched most of the inauguration on tv. Felt anxious towards the end of the day, so luckily we went out for a few hours.

Glad to be back at work. Excited about taking more pictures, and finding more models. I know the system now -- its just a matter of doing it.

And drawing!

Monday, January 19, 2009

dear dave

struggling to write my thoughts - so I will just write a chopped up entry. Maybe somebody can make sense of it.

Love BUTT magazine

taking pictures Wednesday.

nervous about upcoming emails
scared about the move.

Rentals are run down
coffee is good.


Love looking at pictures of guys. Bruce Weber. Library troves. Male models. snapshots.
easy. flow.

like my new friend Thomas :)
nothing is as it seems
can I do it?

why do I eat poorly?
30 minutes is not too much to ask.

What do i want out of THAT?
Music makes me happy. I Love music. I have always loved music. I love rounds. I remember sitting on the floor in the all purpose room, thinking about how much I loved music. i was around 9.

I wonder about ken. Would we have slept together?

another new friend

mr. perfect

check him out.

Friday, January 16, 2009

dear dave,

last night, just before I left work, I discovered a gold mine of cool blogs and beautiful pictures. By far my favorite is JD Ferguson, a photographer based in NYC. Such amazing work. EXACTLY what I love right now.

I just wanted to suck him up, and absorb him. How can somebody manage to speak to my creative heart so clearly? I felt needy and jealous at the same time. How do I communicate with him, without coming off as a stalker needy psycho? I don't know the answer.

Its all fear and self consciousness. How is he going to see ME? an equal, a lessor, a wannabe? That's what it all comes down to. Then I think about how I have responding to people who have been super enthusiastic about my work. Its runs the gamut. Mostly I feel really flattered, but part of me always says to myself, they don't know what they are talking about. I can easily discount it.

Anyway, i just love this guys work. I just-fucking-love-it.

Also samuel zakuto.

Thursday, January 15, 2009

dear dave,

a little reorganizing goes a long way.

Now, instead of an ungainly computer box (a work of art by apple that is almost IMPOSSIBLE to throw away), I have a wonderful little space heater under my desk. My little buddy! My legs feel toasty and secure.

My little office is getting a little too cluttered. Maybe I need to hire Thomas to give me some space planning. I was so good at keeping unwanted and unused items at bay, but have quickly slipped back to justifying each bulky item as a potential contribution to some elaborate masterpiece yet to be even conceived.

(at this point I need to turn down my little buddy, because my legs feel like they are being smothered)

So Ive managed to accumulate a lot of stuff, but not any extra space or storage. Choices will have to be made. In the future!! For right now, I have stashed my HUGE computer box in the closet, and moved some stuff around so my legs can fit more easily under the desks.

Its Thursday! A fast week. Nights are spent glued to American Idol. The winter viewing session has officially begun. Freezing weather means staying inside more. Poor Remi. She sleeps sooooo much. i realize that she is probably awake only about 2 hours out of each day. I need to increase that. Waves of guilt come and go.

I'm in a rambling mood. I need to get to drawing.

Wednesday, January 14, 2009

its so hard, being so beautiful!

I just found this picture, and love his wistful expression. Such a pose. I don't feel sorry for him.

I was just asked walking into Starbucks "would you like to save the children?", and I said "no" as I whisked by. Feeling a little guilty, I chuckled. Then on my way out, a different woman asked, "do you have a moment to save the children?" I smiled, and said "no-I'm sorry."

Tuesday, January 13, 2009

Lists are soothing...

cat heads
pickle jars
tube socks
plant stands
tennis racquets
ping pong
stashed penthouse magazines
baker boy
kick the can
squirt gun
house sitting
underwear ads
suntan lotion
lemon ice
rubber masks
slide shows
ho rs devres
coffee and dessert
garage brooms
tool kits
turpentine rags
filling stations
peanut brittle

dear dave,

I feel nourished today. Had some good talks with important players, and I feel more on My body is sore from working out, but that feels good. I'm worried about where we will be moving to, but I know it will work out. I'm not sure what the next few months will bring, but right now, sitting here, I feel excited, and ready.

Had fun at Whitlows with Kim and hex last night. Then Gossip Girl with Ronnie (my future roomie??)

Cancelled a few of my photoshoots, after lots of angst yesterday. I feel good about the decision. I don't think they were going to turn out like I wanted. I need to put more thought into what I want. I need to be honest with myself-and go for it.

Im going to get more coffee and then draw. Hopefully I can get back on track, and start preparing for the corcoran sessions coming up soon.

Monday, January 12, 2009

dear dave.

feeling better. I think its just a monday thing.

Whitlows tonight, then tomorrow more drawing. Excited about the future. The possibility.


dear dave,

went to the gym this morning, and lifted weights for the 1st time in months. what a revelation. Felt great - like drinking a huge glass of water after sweating your ass off. My body clearly was happy I was back. Heres to keeping it up!
dear dave

today is monday, and Im in late because I went to Target to buy supplies, or at least I tried. Felt overwhelmed when I was there. What am I doing? It turned into a crisis.

I think I managed to pull myself out of it, but its been just at the surface for a few weeks now. Fear that I'm making bad choices, and avoidance. And I'm not feeling so creative. I just feel kind of blah.

It will work its way out of my system- I know that. Any encouragement would be very welcomed!

Friday, January 9, 2009

dear dave,

I miss jeanetta rose barris. I'm going to turn on the radio, and hope she is there-but I assume she is not.

Yesterday got better, and this morning is good. Focused on the photos tomorrow. So interested to see how that turns out. I bought some shirts today, but feel really unsure about sizes, and what to put on them. My creative juice is not as strong as it was a few weeks ago. It ebbs and flows. I wish I had more control over the spigot. (every time I think about trying out the endless pool at the gym, I cry laughing. Thinking I could swim against the current that was set (because I couldn't change it) and quickly ending up at the back of the pool. Too funny. Such an I LOVE LUCY scene.)

Anyway, I'm excited about my plans for tomorrow, and after drawing, preparing for it will be my focus today.

Thursday, January 8, 2009

dear dave

A lot of anxiety today, about the future. Confidence comes and goes. Lately I'm not feeling it. I would prefer not to mention it, but then this wouldn't be a very honest blog - would it?

Thinking about that today in the shower, how censored I am. I guess that's OK. i don't want to hurt anybody here - and since I have no idea who's actually reading, I want to stay pretty neutral.

Anyway, feeling very unsure about what I'm doing, and horribly unmotivated. I need some momentum. ALWAYS feel this way in January. MUST-FIGHT-THIS-FEELING.

eat better
actually exercise
start lifting again
get some new clothes
be there for Jimmy
get finances sorted out
work harder

Wednesday, January 7, 2009

who is this snakeman?

dear dave,

analya asked me this question - and I don't think my answer satisfied her much. I need to be able to talk about my artwork better. People are excited. Instead of feeding off this excitement, my immediate reaction (unconscious-learned over years of practice) is to diffuse the attention I feel is coming my way. Get them off the trail, like an escapee crossing a creek. The dogs will NEVER catch me over here! I get very embarrassed, and want to flee the interview as soon as possible.

Anyway - I need to be able to talk about my artwork in a more engaging way. While so much off the content SEEMS off the cuff to me, it DOES have meaning, or I wouldn't have done it. Telling good stories is a skill - and I need to think about that more.

At the hospital most of the morning. Jimmy is doing much better then last night. Now that I'm back in Tenley, I feel displaced. My day is screwy. I need to focus.

ps - it's just completely random that she would ask me that this afternoon, and that I posted a new picture of the snakeman (below) last night. Things are so random.

Tuesday, January 6, 2009

dear dave

good news from Jimmy's surgery, which makes me happy. Hopefully the next few weeks will go well.

More into the swing today. Nice to be back working. Several photo shoots to set up, and shirts to make, and drawings to draw, and emails to write. And ORGANIZING to do.

Must rehang hall artwork. I think I will work on that first.

ps - glad to fix my FREEHAND dog's ass. What was I thinking? BTW - thats for you Bill.