The blur continues.  I guess I just need to accept that I am in this place, and roll with it.  Weeks go by and I get some stuff done, but I'm really a mess: avoiding bid decisions, stalling on getting supplies, not really promoting myself or my website, and just doing the bare minimum to get by.  Holidays are a big ho-hum.  As always, I look to the future for solutions and not today.  Today, my focus is just to survive and get by.  It's a messy way to be.

Had lots of drawing inspo, only to fizzle with what to do with all of it.  Again, struggling with the end game.  OR, I get overwhelmed because there is so much I could do with it, and I can't decide where to put my energy.  This stupid Art on the Ave delay really fucked everything up.  Put me in this stall pattern, and I'm just waiting to get passed it, and fret constantly ABOUT it. 

My screens are a fucking mess, full of ink.  My ULANO orange is run out.  My screen cleaner is almost out.  My inks are sunning low.  

It's Friday and as always, all I can do is feel bad for what I haven't done, haven't accomplished, and didn't even try to do.  All the wasted time not working.  Late starts, naps, lunch with cher and barb. I'm really anti Dave, and that's the problem/

 Dear Dave,

Today I turn 54, and it's a day of reflection.  Kind of a bummer - I kind of think birthdays usually are.  Like New Year's and Christmas, you have all these expectations built up thru childhood that it should be a certain way, and there is an inevitable let down.

 First year without my parents and I feel the sting, but happily it's not that bad. 

The whole Fall -- august thru now, has been a series of let-downs and misfires.  The memorial service, Labor Day with my infected tooth and emergency root canal(s) and then the build up and cancellation of Art on the Ave.  Of course, I was happy it was rescheduled, but it just left a big emotional hole.

Anyway, I keep trying to right myself, and little effort leads to little reward.  A meeting earlier this week left me a little muddled as well.  Thought it would be one thing (and $) and it was another.  Still could be good.  I ALWAYS NEED TO STAY POSITIVE.  I don't know!

Anyway, a fun weekend planned, so that is good.  And weather is finally better.  Healthy, and Emma and hex too.  Day by day, week by week.  Take it slow.

Happy Birthday Dave !

 

 

Show me forgiveness
 

For having lost faith in myself
 

And let my own interior up
 

To inferior forces
 

The shame is endless
 

But if soon start forgiveness
 

The girl might live
 

Hmmm, hmmm, hmmm
 

Oh-oh ah-ah-ah-ah, ah-ah

____

Bjork