Stress is coming in from every angle. 

one day at a time

worried about:

Rockville

Art on the Ave

Commission

xmas prep

$$$

Health

car

Emma appt

etc

 

Yesterday was crazy

BW Parkway > pain > college park parking lot > vomiting > Shoppers Food bathroom > writhing on bench in pain > 911 > ambulance > Doctors Hospital > recovery > scans and blood tests > Hex appears > discharge angst > bus ride(s) > walk back to car > drive home.

 Kidney stones are P A I N F U L.  I cannot believe how bad the pain was.  And then gone.  So lucky it wasn't something serious, but so bummed that I had to spend $$$$ and recover on my own.

 

Life goes on

 

 ups and downs.

saturday sale on sidewalk on 18th a TOTAL BUST!!  we were lazy, and it didn't work out - fantastically

back to center today, but ugh, feel overwhelmed and fearful over things - Rockville, schedule, responsibilities etc

 

stay positive (I try)

 

Coffee with C this morning.  Of course, we overslept because I set the alarm to PM. 

Nice to be in Bethesda, and around bustling people.  DC ? Logan has a stale vibe.  i really enjoyed being in a different place.

Convo was fun but turned to branddave, and I felt muddled.  I can't even articulate what is going on.  C made lots of suggestions, but didn't feel traction on any direction she was pushing. \

Back at studio, and frustration with projects for XX.  Went on an angry rainy walk with Emma, and distilled my response, which made me feel much better and centered.  And really made me think of my frustrations with Adam.  An interesting thing.

Anyway, much darker much earlier.  Right on schedule.  Things picking up a bit, which is great.  Pixies tees running late, which S U C K S.

 

Listening to Bjork late in the day, and feeling unease.  Everything reminds me of something else, and it creates this nostalgia loop.  For some reason the past makes me sad rather than happy.  I think of lost times and lost people, and always think the grass was greener.  Happier, easier, simpler times, when the reality is, they were not.

 

These moments turn into precious little fragile eggs that I need to protect and ruminate over.  Anyway, Bjork brings me to this place.  Printing in the fall at the corcoran.  Late nights and driving home in the dark.

 

Greg visited today, and happily concurred with all the mental struggles 20 and 21 have brought.  Nice to hear him articulate his struggles, and feel like I'm not alone.  It's so hard to put my finger on, What am I feeling.  I mean, it is not uncommon to feel anxiety and fear PRE covid, just read this blog.  But all has been elevated and drawn out, and absorbing.  

Today I put my finger on it better: un safety.  Now we know that things can seriously fuck us up super quickly, and we are powerless.  The sense of well-being has diminished.  My confidence in a smooth future is shaken.  Even though we have suffered little on the outside, there is just this feeling, this shift.  It's mental of course, and it's omnipresent.  What does the future hold?

 

 

 

 The continuing struggle.

Got a print made and shipped, and set up next few prints.  Struggled to find GAGGLE positives so I could fix the Gaggle print I have (painted over the wood parts that were exposed).  Think maybe that was causing it to be less appealing.  (UGH - see, Im thinking of what will sell rather then how I wanted it).

Anyway, struggled to figure out WTF to do with art on the ave.  So I just didn't decide.

 

 Good news always gets converted into bad news!

After my speech to hex about how all those shirts at Pixies will never sell, I get an email form Pixie asking for more, because they sold really well.

That gets translated into > I now need to B U Y more paper and shirts to make more.  More $ out the door.  Because I can't simply get the quantity I need, I have to buy 10 x more, and spend $ I don't have, while still needing to spend $$$$ on supplies for printing, and framing, and giclées and ink and newsprint, and screen cleaner, and more shirts for Art on the Ave, and cards, and envelopes. It's a MOUNTAIN of things I need to buy, just to keep going on the treadmill of not making enough money.

Ugh - my brain is backwards.  Of course, I need to spend $ to make money, but it really only feels like all I do is spend spend spend spend.  The money that comes in is just not cutting it.  I'm lost. I just never know what to do.  Every day and week and month Im confronted with the same problem (fear), where will the money come in from? 

U G H

 

 Productive Friday - so so

Got new print made and shipped, finished the friends ones, almost finished TEAMWORK.

Drove out to Buzz to fluff cards.  A nice friday thing to do.

Weekend angst - what to do tomorrow.  Of course, I should do a sale.  We'll see.

So frustrated with IG - all posts are getting sandbagged.  Obviously need to do something about it, maybe add to my follow list?  Something really strange - very little traction on all posts.  Makes me feel invisible - which is FRUSTRATING!!!!

 

Productive (?)* day today printing "Friends come in all Sizes" on wood and then paper.  Fun but confounding to print on paper.  I cannot for the life of me understand why it's not holding register.  Eventually it did, but I have no clue why it didn't at first.  So I had to print all the black outlines one-by-one, of course.

*How should I be using my time???  Always a big question mark.  Here I am spending hours and hours on a print, on spec, expecting it will sell eventually (for far less $ than I would like).  Everything is a question.  I have lost my confidence, and it's rough.

Anyway, love the way it turned out, especially on paper.  So that is a plus!

Thursday already, which leads to questions on the weekend.  Always - questions on the weekend.

- - - - -

Coffee with C & J cancelled because of possible covid exposure.  Ugh.  This week -

 

 Worked on illustration redo, and HD tee design.  Setting up new prints that Im making, and photographed some.

Posted to IG late in day, then went on walk with Emma, and spiraled my head into knots of upset.  Same issues, they just bubble up to the surface.  

Worked myself down as I got back to the studio and started working again.  I just don't know.  Not feeling great about my prospects lately.

 

 First day back after a long holiday weekend.  There is always this major shift when LABOR day is over, and its back to work.  The frivolity of summer is OVER, and it's time to get to work.  But it never really is that way, it just F E E L S like that.

Ok day.  Thought I would have to do big errand in Rockville that fizzled.  Like getting out of Trombone lessons.  Finished out the prints I had made screens for, and that is pretty much it.  Making plans for the next prints.

All orders are complete, so it's on to uncomfortable projects that I have put off.  Haha.  Classic.

Anxious about the months ahead, and making $.  Things are touch and go.  ugh, a pit in my stomach.

 

 So so ending to the week,  Got pixies shirts done, shopemade tees done, prints over to UM, cicad print shipped, large bitches print shipped, and Bills tees made.

Holiday weekend, which means sitting around watching tv.  Maybe a sale tomorrow?  not sure

getting dark MUCH earlier.  It hits all of a sudden.

Fun with Emma in Dumbarton today.  Wish I could let her run free, but I cant.  We had a nice time in the meadow.  She was really happy.

 dear dave,

Feeling lots of emotions today, paying rents, insurance, depositing checks, and looking at balances.  So much apprehension about the future, and loss of confidence.  I hate it.  I wish I had the swagger I had years ago, feeling extra confident that all will always work out, and that I have plenty of $$ saved, so I didn't need to worry.  I guess COVID has wiped all those feelings away, along with the steady decline of sales each progressive year.  So hard to face facts and make any kind of correction.  I'm always asking myself: what are you going to do?  There is never an answer.  I can't seem to find my way (consistently).

Rough few days with "Rockville" as news hits that "Frederick" is now a no - go, and all the excitement and relief of that is just gone.  Poor Bill and John.  They have done major heavy lifting.  Poor mom and dad, things just decline.  It's incredibly emotionally draining.

Other stuff:

Trekked out to SM Union Market to drop inventory.  Store coming along - was struck by my greeting, and how I was swept into being enthusiastic about my "placement" in the layout.  Ugh  Today I was included in a IG story, and didn't see all the new prints I had worked on, and also saw something I dropped at Roost.  All just "ugh"  I really need to redirect my attention elsewhere and not be frustrated by this stuff (I tell myself)

Today made shirts for Pixies.  All came out well.  Went light on cicadas, hope a good call.  Anxious that they won't sell...