OMG I HATE the fist of the month(s) and paying Bills (RENT).  I dread it all day and leave it to the last minute and the money just sucks out, gone.  It always feels like such a loss.  

I am numb when it comes in, and so incredibly pained when it leaves.

Super anxious past few days anticipating the change of seasons and month.  I can no longer luxuriate in the comfort of summer, long days, lowered expectations.  I have to buckle down, think about the holidays and my website and blah blah blah.  It just makes me so worried.  What if I fail?  Have I already failed?

Prepped screens for printing shirts and totes.  Little mess ups on both shirts - mother fucker!  There can never be perfection - and A+.  Always a B- or C.  Always.  I'm so careful too, only to make some dumb mistake that pulls it all down, Down the cliff of dispair.

 

Sort of fun working on Tote ideas, but same cycle happened.  Came up with some fun things only to talk myself out of actually making them, because - are they good?  Worth the time and expense to produce?  I am hyper focused on supplies / materials.  Especially printer in and transparency paper.  It's like gold.  Bought more white ink also, which I use most - $34 !!!  yikes yikes yikes.  At some point all becomes unafforable.

Suffering from hangover of upset of XXXXX.  The email volleys, and limbo.  I can't stand the uncertaintly.  I just want to go and hash it all out.  Or gather all my stuff and storm out indignant.  But in the end, I just have to suffer and do nothing.  Wait.  Ugh - it's fucking torture.  torture. 

Got printed "posters" in and havnt even had the emotional energy to open the box.  I made them primarily for XXXX, so why bother ???  Ugh, I am crush.  My spirit is broken.  Disheartened.  Gutted.  Fuck Damn Shit.