dear dave,

Sitting here at the studio, SWELTERING, singing along to bjork b-sides, waiting for my boards to dry. Gotta get to the corcoran for "class". Same old Saturday story! You would think I would learn. I like it this way.

Ive had days (weeks) to prepare, yet I take it to the limit. Well that may have worked out in my favor, because I solved this problem that was vexing me. At least I think I did.

Feeling all over the place lately in terms of creativity. I'm so excited about shooting pictures, and keep trying to set up another nude shot, but it doesn't seem to be working out. Then I redesign my whole portfolio, adding and subtracting all the sexy shots I have. I keep struggling with private, personal, public presentations. Who can I afford to offend? Why should I censor myself? If I just stick all this stuff in a non-viewable corner, whats the point?

It goes directly to all that deep seeded shame I felt. Pretending not to be gay - but being SO attracted to men's bodies. It's so easy to tap into. The well runs deep. I fight it hard, but then its there again. So interesting.

For the most part I have conquered all this. I really have! But it lies in wait, ready to seep into my unconscious.

The balance needs to be found. I'm still looking.

ps - this probably makes NO sense to anybody.