there is NOTHING more nagging then a tiny sliver of something stuck underneath my contact lens.

I was lazy this morning, and didn't stop to remove it before leaving for the day, thinking it would fix itself. WRONG.

A frustrating and stressful hour later (go home? drive home? walk home? buy saline? buy something cheaper? did it fix itself? use lens lubricant, use tap water, I think it's fixed, this will drive me crazy all day, buy saline from CVS!)

it's fixed. thank God.

I've been working on super simple prints lately. Not really sure what that is about, or if I'm satisfied.

I just hauled over some giant boards to the corcoran. Lets see where they take me.

Planning for Peter tomorrow. Think this is a make or break shoot for the underwear. My fingers are crossed.

This whole instant ice coffee scheme isnt working afterall. I'm really not fooling myself. It has none of the depth as the real thing. I guess it's not another experiment that didn't pan out. They are stacking up!

Nice sunny day, middle of the summer. My time is mine.

A h h h h h h

dear dave,

Amazing what a massage can do. Of course I'm super familiar with how great they are, and how wonderful they make me feel. But it's been a long time since I splurged, and I'm so much better for it!

Finished my second print at the corcoran yesterday, looked at the clock, and figured I could dashed home to let Remi out (and postpone our planned walk in the woods), then slip in an hour massage before meeting Hexy and Lee for True Blood and pizza.

Once these ideas set in, there is no turning back!

Boy - was it worth it. Marco is brilliant at what he does. PERFECTION. A perfect perfect hour.

Afterwards, I walked out to a raging thunderstorm with no umbrella, no cash for a cab, but a huge blissful smile on my face.

I walked home in the pouring rain floating on air. Wow - what a GREAT massage!!!!!

tuesday!

feel fine.

I was thinking as I was on my way to work that this blog should really be called the angst files. So much of what I write about is frustrations and drama. But I guess that is what's in my head.

I'd like to say that everything is just fine, but I really am in a lot of conflict about a lot of things having to do with branddave, my work, and my future. I want it to be able to sustain me (obviously), but so many times I do things that block this from happening. Or I loose steam on good ideas and get discouraged.

I keep telling myself that it's not a simple thing, and that I need to be patient. And that is how things end up in my mind.

But that doesn't really solve anything. All the doubts just rest there, waiting to be fed another day.

all for nothing

Late Friday I schedule a model for Monday @ 11am, because I'm anxious to get going, excited to shoot with him, and it's his preference.

Saturday morning I stress out, because I have a lot to do for Monday, I don't have Saturday printing yet planned, and I only have a few hours to do it all.

Saturday afternoon I feel good, because I manage to get my print started at the corcoran and my underwear samples made, so I look golden for Monday.

Sunday morning I stress out, because I decide to try and add in more underwear to shoot Monday, I have a little time to pull it together, yet I cannot seem to make anything happen, run out of time, and feel really unsure about the entire enterprise.

Sunday night I stay up later then normal, trying to get things prepared for the morning.

Monday morning an email arrives, asking to push the shoot back an hour. This after I've put both Hex and Richelle off, so I can make our 11am appointment. Fine, I reply, just no later then 12.

Monday noon. No model, just a lame email about oversleeping a nap, and a request to reschedule for Tuesday.

FU.

(update) on again for soon...

(update 2) all sort of a bust. I feel a little deflated and frustrated. I want to put my head down!

blah -

tired, but got a lot done.

busy couple of days!

great shoot with Peter yesterday. Nudes and branddave underwear.
found some awesome wood and metal to print on (need to pick up!)
started new print
updated site
made shirts to shoot Monday
made underwear to shoot Monday

I'm spent! good thing tomorrow is off.

dear dave,

really successful day - so I'm leaving the studio now.

I've been making a lot of custom stuff lately - I need to add a commissions section to the site. I have a bunch of stuff I could show.

Still hot. feeling a little grumpy. It's been an all day thing. But things are good.

above: design sheet for the josie

I love this wood. I found two pieces like this, bought them, and now I don't want to use them! THey are perfect as is. How can I cover this awesome grain with paint. Ha - I don't think I will!

No corcoran - so Im on 14th today. Scattered as usual. Planning I guess. But every roadblock leads to anxiety! What to do!?

There is a lot to do, so I need to plow ahead.

dear dave,

back from the weekend, and feeling the typical post trip blues. Not sad to be back, or that it's over. Just melancholy about saying goodbye, and returning to normal. It's like mental whiplash. Suddenly you are in a totally new place, spending a lot of time with different people, then you are not anymore. It's all so out-of-body.

I'm thinking it's a common feeling. I always suffer from it. It's hard jumping back into my routine.

The weekend was fun, but I really missed Hexy. AND - it was eye opening how we have all changed. Mostly though, it's scary and sad to comtemplate the future, because deep inside, I know it will be rough.

(top: tree at next door neighbor's house / bottom: len's barn, the soul of the property)

Dear Dave,

I'm up here in new Hampshire at uncle len's, enjoying the change of pace. Of course I miss hexy. He would LOVE it here-it really is magical. Some if my favorite places in the world are here. The meadow behind the barn, the corner front lawn, the couch in the living room, the barn, the porch, the quiet little den. All the smells and sensations are so visceral. I can't begin to explain how much I love it! A perfect place, in every way.

So Friday I shot pictures of Peter in branddave briefs. All week I was going back and forth about them. Positives: they are fun and cute, and can work well with my designs. Plus I just love the idea of shooting pictures of them.

We took pictures, but I was so unhappy with the light, and not so sure I'm in love with the fit, so I made this mad dash to remove the ones that I had posted. I think we can do better.

Sitting here, thinking it through, I've decided I want to try. Plus, more samples are on the way.

Ok-enough blog for now. Time for bed. Goodnight

dear dave,

Great day yesterday, good day today so far. A few things are coming together, and I'm psyched to see where they lead.

Shooting with Peter today. I have a new project in the works -- hopefully it will turn out well, and I can introduce it next week. FINGERS CROSSED!

Printing yesterday went well. I'm really happy with "mascot"

Think I've signed on to show at Easel in GTOWN. A huge undertaking, because it's a really big space to fill. But a great venue for my bigger work. Excited to see how it comes together.

Leaving for NH tomorrow AM. A few days without Hexy!! I'll be back early next week, ready to start july!

from the archives - good ole Dave K last fall. He's been unavailable for shooting. I miss him.

disaster strikes! (not really tom)

dear dave,

Drag - another cancellation on Jamilah this morning. The v-necks I was working just were not cutting it. So it's all back to the drawing board on that project.

I've done this twice to poor Jamilah now. I wouldn't like me so much if I were her.

It's a really beautiful day today. A major shift towards cooler temps, which made it possible to excavate my poorly installed window ac, and open the window wide.

Time to regroup on my day (and brand!) and move forward.

-------

My day yesterday ended on a good note. I was really happy with my print, scoped out the new iphone 4, made some fun plans for Peter, and had chicken with the ladies. I can't decide which photo to post, so I'm doing both.

rock creek sunday (with Rem)

dd,

my eye keeps twitching, which tells me something is up! I've got to make some changes to try an isolate the problem. Coffee and computer time are first to strike off. BLAH!

Typical monday anxiety:

Make more $
Work harder
print more
do better
you suck!

Happens like clockwork. Hopefully I can find my groove soon, and settle in to the week.

Finishing Lexie print, making shirts, working on store, and marketing. All my plans.

now to it.

peter, june 25


dear dave

success at corcoran, and fun with peter. two things I like to be able to say!

feeling hyper after tons of coffee and very little food. Just had a sandwich, so hopefully the caffeine will get absorbed.

Another fun shoot yesterday. We went to Dumbarton, and I wished I had stayed a bit longer. A little disappointed with the pictures afterwards. Sun was strong, and we talked a bit to much. But oh well.

Feel like I cracked the v-neck block, which is such a good feeling. Really like the result, and plan to do more (women's)

All stirred up, I came back t the studio determined to make a major site-revision. Too bad it was very ambitious, and the time was melting away. I'm back today to make another attempt.

Off.

(UPDATE - branddave.com revised! may not seem like much - but it was a major revision. Finally split up men's and womens shirts, and added a bunch back in. Next up - MORE womens! More Vs!)

dear dave,

good day at the corcoran - but cut short as usual. Saved the print in some respects, because I was just about to make a big mistake, but caught myself. Of course now I'll have to compromise a bit to resolve, but that's ok.

waiting for peter, and putzing around. Updated my model mayhem portfolio. not sure why, but I did. I keep wanting to take more pictures. more more more. I am insatiable. Clearly that is what I'm enjoying right now. clearly.

I have PLENTY of stuff to do, so I'm going to get to it.

dear dave,

feeling bogged down. My brain is stuck on one thing - one loop, that I'm not sure matters at all. I go into these editing comas. Everything important is put aside.

Had a fun shoot with Nate yesterday, but for completely understandable, and agreed upon terms, most of the pictures are not usable. Still I keep pouring over them, trying to fit what I can use into my existing portfolio. Sometimes things just don't work!

It's hard to come to that conclusion (as an artist). You put your heart and soul into something. There is an emotional connection to the work. You want it to be successful, to be happy with it. But I just can't get there. Sometimes you just need to cut it all off, and say: done, over, move on.

EXACTLY the same thing is playing out with my large prints. I feel like the moment is lost with them. I just can't make peace, and feel confident and proud.

I always fear that it's just me - my eye. It's hard to trust in myself (completely). Blah!

-------

I looked at an old bsur catalog yesterday, and was SHOCKED. How could I possibly have worked on that and been happy with it? Proud of it? Back then I thought it was pretty good. It was. Now it just seems ALL wrong.

------

DONE! OVER! MOVE ON!!

nate, today

dear dave,

working on stuff. Came to the studio this morning, and made some progress on Lexie, which makes me happy. It's always rough getting those drawings out. I love that moment where I feel settled, like satisfaction. I NEVER know if it will happen, I just hope for the best.

Still feeling crispy after Sunday at the beach. And my eyelid is twitching like crazy. I'm hoping its just an old contact that needs replacing. FINGERS CROSSED.

Off to the corcoran for the afternoon. I'm not looking forward to the struggle. DREADING it. Wish I could get this done, and be super happy with it.

Again: fingers, crossed.