dear dave,

shitty mid morning led to ok afternoon. Nice feeling spending some money on myself.

I went to the mall and picked up a few things. Some VERY needed and utilitarian (vans), some frivolous (polka dot boxer shorts from J crew), one depressing (iphone cover, so I dont drop it anymore. I love my sleek condom-less iphone, but those days are over), and one expensive but practical and fun and retro (topsiders from J crew, just like I wore years ago).

I realized walking through the shiny, new, clean, modern, scented mall that I have been punishing myself for awhile now. I haven't allowed myself to spend a single cent, instead letting my entire wardrobe decay. Just like Clinton and Stacy say on What Not to Wear, how you dress reflects how you feel about yourself. Its time to buy some things. Of course I need to pay attention to my budget, but just allowing myself to have SOME budget is a step.

Cam | May 4, 2010

dear dave,

I went to the dentist to get my teeth cleaned this morning, and now my mouth is sore. Such a relief though. I have been avoiding going for way too long now, because I don't floss well, and it always leads to problems and scolding, and shame. I would much rather avoid all of that. But I VOWED to face my mountain of fear a few weeks ago, and today was the day I finally scheduled.

Its over, and I feel good.

-----
Past few days have been fun and productive. Had a really good time shooting pictures of Cam (photos coming), and a productive few days at the corcoran working on Bird Seed (above). Have no real time to write any further today. Too much to do, and I got a late start.

Happy Birthday Remi!!

What a great dog, in every way. Just the dog I wanted 8 years ago, when I picked her out at Belquest. What a terrific and cherished memory. There is nothing like picking out a puppy. They are all so incredibly cute, and it's so exciting knowing that one will be yours! All yours.

Branches, coming along. Still have a few leaves to add.

I saw a really geeky picture of him somewhere recently. Showed a completely different side.

He fascinates me. I really love his eyebrows

dear dave

monday
sort of rainy,
Dave K needed to study, so no shoot. Worked on some shirts, but its just as well.

Working on my new birdseed print, even as the branches is not yet done. Cant wait to finish that.

HUMID.

Will be interesting working here over the summer. An air conditioner might be mandatory, as everything is blowing everywhere with the window open.

Listening to Ryan Cabrera. Feeling ok

dear dave,

saturday morning, and Im back at the studio. All work!

Spent a lot of time on the site yesterday, only to quickly change course this morning. I really feel like I was going in the wrong direction with my drawing portfolio, and Im happy to have seen that clearly. That just means now I need to STOP working on that, and focus on printing stuff. Otherwise it will be 4 pm before I know it, and Ill still be here, convinced I just need 5 more minutes of tweaking.

Make a different choice!

Off for now.

friday list

accomplished:

zone 2 residentail parking sticker!
care first
mail chimp list
deep dish

pending:

female models
work table
branches print
drawings section of website
male models
cabinet sell-off
Dave K shirts

-----
busy couple of days. Time runs away. Im making progress, just not fast enough.

not chatty!

Blah

-------

I keep hearing about "win/win" situations, so I think I'll make a win win t-shirt. It's something....

Hungover after a horrible day yesterday, and rough morning. Im better off for it (all), but my head is still recovering.

Looks like I won't be getting my workbench/desk/table built today. Im thinking my guy has flaked, for whatever reason.

Im tired of being shat on (that goes for you too VIDA, you bastard blood sucker).

-------

Today is a new day. I'm on the other side of the storm. Time to smile, and know everything will turn out (well)

Don't drop your (unprotected) iphone 3GS on the sidewalk and shatter the glass screen. It will cost you $200 to repair, and other bad things will happen.

haha-

what a crazy anxious double reversal of a morning. I have not been on a straight path.

Cant see you today / maybe I'll have time for you. (sue)

See you at 11! / you're late, that pisses me off / oh your not showing up at all - great. (all for the best, Keenan)

This ice coffee sucks, I want a new one / Another cup from the same pitcher? ok / still sucks but for some reason I take it, even more angry (starbucks)

Ok, writing these out makes them all sound so dumb. But all I feel is uptight and unsure.

BLAH

dear dave,

super productive day setting up mailchimp. Another thing to check off my list. So far so great -- really happy with how easy it is to use, and how efficient it's going to be.

Picked up my car, now $2000 poorer. What more is there to say?

No shoot with Dave today, which was just as good because the weather was lousy, and I didnt have much to do with him. I have a few new guys lined up this week which should be a lot of fun. Excited to get back into things.

Hmmm - not much more to write, so I'll stop.

Fridays are for:

bringing Remi to work
reflecting on the week
picking up
forgiving myself
new directions
new order
plaid shirts
returning emails
feeling happy about what happened thursday
calming down

My thursday was SHITTY, so Im happy to be feeling better Friday. Car is in the shop so Im studio-bound for today.

Wednesday I had a mini breakdown while I was trying to finish BRANCHES. This print has caused more angst then that movie camera print I attempted for Alison before Christmas. So many false starts and missteps.

I just couldnt make peace with it. I started up printing the leaves again, only to SCREW IT UP again. Then I told myself to use the narrower boards I bought the day before. I absolutly resolved to let go of the wider (warped!) boards, only to revese my decision 5 minutes later. That little change just RUINED the entire flow of the print. 1 inch made all the difference.

So I painted over my screwed up leaves on the wider boards (second time) then went back to the complete and utter frustration over the fact that these boards are sooo warped anyway, and I will never be able to fix that.

I couldnt move forward. I was standing there with all this blocked out time to print, boards and screens all prepared, ink/tape/sponge/bucket all laid out, PARALYZED.

I decided to put everything away, drive to another Home Depot, brave traffic, and HOPE that I could buy replacement boards. The right ones this time.

BINGO! I found them. Traffic was horrible, but I made it, bought them, and headed home.

On the way, I heard this weird, distinct CLUNK, then tick tick tick tick tick. I pulled over, couldnt figure out what it was, but knew it was bad. Not wanting to be stuck there, I decided to drive home anyway, anxious all the way that my car would just suddenly stop.

Next day, car in shop, I get the news: $2100 to fix.

The BRANCHES will have to wait. Still.

rainy (cozy) morning. Had french toast and coffee with Hexy.

-----

Big plans to FINISH branches print today. It really has turned into a saga:

Yesterday I made it to Home Depot, and bought new boards to replace the super warped ones I have been so unhappy with. Only they looked more narrow then I remember , and they had stickers on them that said MADE IN SWEDEN!

They couldn't possibly be different (I thought) so I bought them, painted them, and returned to print them, only to discover (obviously) they were not the same as the others.

Losing that inch or so in width makes a big difference, so now I don't know what to do. Probably just stick with the warped ones.

Repainted my leaves and flowers, the ones I printed Monday with the garishly bright colors.

Returning today to reprint, and hopefully, be done.

----
7:40pm (update) - not done.

a sign to hang out my window.

polo box

dear dave,

Last night Hex and I were talking about getting his passport, and suddenly I realized where my passport was: in my "polo box."

My polo box is a tin box with (broken) lid that I got in high school as a gift with purchase when I splurged on some Polo cologne. The top is printed with a cool painting of a polo match. Inside was scented soap and moisturizer, shampoo and maybe even conditioner. All reeking of that beloved 80's scent.

It quickly became the keeper of my most precious things: ticket stubs to the color purple, a macaroni necklace, super special postcards and letters, a crush's handwritten phone number. Major life memorabilia. It was so stuffed that the lid wouldn't close comfortably, eventually breaking the little cheap hinges.

ANYWAY, talking about the passport made me realize that I had NO idea where my polo box was (since or move more then a year ago). I knew I had it, but couldn't visualize where it could possibly be in our apartment. Minor concern QUICKLY escalated to panic as Hex and I searched everywhere for it. "All my most precious things!!" (and yet I hadn't even noticed them missing for more then a year).

Our final thought was to check the storage cube in the basement (which I said: "I would never have left it there, these are my most precious things!!" --poor Hex had to hear me say this 1,000 times).

There it was, in the basement safe inside a thick wooden box-type thing. I did a quick sweep of it's contents, speeding down memory lane. All the little trinkets and slips of paper were then quickly returned to the box, including my passport.

Crisis over.

(branches print detail)

dear dave,

branches print missteps (notwithstanding), my branches print is coming along.

1. the warped boards DRIVE-ME-FUCKING-CRAZY. I just can't tolerate them, so I realize my only solution is to drive to home depot, buy two replacement boards, and reprint the mother fuckers. (such language!) They really are so twisted, and I don't see them ever getting better. Nailing the boards down helped in the printing, but in the end, they are still so warped.

2. I picked horrible colors for the leaves and blossoms, so my plan is to paint over them, and start over. I like the one above, so that will be the color combo for all. All the others are too bright, and the blossoms are hideous. What was I thinking??

I wanted to like them today. I just kept looking at them, knowing all along I hated them. I have to change them, or the whole print will never sit right with me.

So there, coming along (with changes).

I remember so vividly all my bsur press checks. The anxiety over picking the right ink colors, and potentially having to change EVERYTHING on the spot. The artwork mistakes. The same anxiety runs through me screen printing. Im always on edge until its all printed, and I feel resolved. Resolved that its all it can be, or impossible to change!

Sunday!

Hexy home!

Really fun party last night with Sheon and Bill (haha, and Tommy)

Worked HARD on website today.

Poor Remi! But she got out to Rock Creek eventually.