saturday of memorial day weekend.  Always a weird bubble of nothingness.  No plans, just same old.

Nice weather - coffee in morning with hexy.  Got a lot done yesterday, so felt accomplished going into the weekend.  Friday i got upset with SM and sent an email, but its all pending.  So an upset hangover.

Got Father's Day cards in and happy with them.  And ordered next month's postcards, but am stuck at adding subscribers.

WISH I COULD FIND THE KEY FOR MARKETING ALL!!  Would love to be selling more online.

Ok, back home with emma, after not doing much here at the studio.

 

 Business dramatically slowed this month - feels bad.  Not sure why - SM was ok.

Allergies are killing me - itchy eyes and very blurry vision.  Time to up my prescription.  But of course I stall.

Slow days at the studio, plodding along on lingering projects and trying to start new ones.  All the dark clouds that crept in around February are still there.  Every day is a new chance to make a change.

Poor poor hexy still coughing after week and a half.  Pretty sure its not Covid, but just as miserable

K I L L E D by covid booster taken Wednesday.  Yikes, it really took me out all day and night yesterday.  Feeling better now - THANK GOD.

Finished stuff for Wharf and brought it over.  That was pretty much it for today.

Grateful for

The ability to heal

Hex

Emma

 

 Ok day - printed TEAMWORK reprint and worked on drawing.  Commission done which is great.  2 more to go.

Walking to work to get some exercise and save gas.

Ha, not much more to say!

 

 

 Grateful for:

Fun tv that I enjoy

Fun podcasts about the fun tv

Britney Spears songs that make me dance

 

 Forcing myself to blog - it's harder these days feeling like I do.

Tough few days, weeks, trying to stay positive.  Things really are not bad as I perceive, it's just the perception that is screwy.  But it's still there, looming over me most of the time.  A lack of confidence and well being.

Monday today, so getting back in the groove. FINALLY, finished a longstanding commission, which is always a plus.  One more to go, but I expect it to be much easier.

Plodding along on other things.  Dragging them out, but getting them done at the same time.  My M.O.

Distressed by the news.

Grateful for: 

my freedom

my creativity

my luck

 

No wonder I get a pit in my stomach every time I go to SM - I never know what I'm going to find.  Stressed out all week about getting prints there, and low and behold, another shop delivered prints there already.  

So:

1. I didn't need to stress about the time, and bumping this ahead of probably more pressing things was a mistake that I cannot undo.

2. Great - the other shop doesn't want them anymore, so another shop in the system that is cutting off inventory.

Ugh - feeling sorry for myself the whole way home.  I keep telling myself I need to change outlook, or look for other baskets to put my eggs.  I know I am putting way too much energy into something that has diminishing returns.  I feel so defeated.

Anyway - I like the way my prints came out, which is fundamental to everything.  Sent in postcard designs for May and once again VP is only offering shipping dates way out - 9 days.  Ugh

 

 

Gratitude:

My health

Emma's health

Hexy's health

 

 ok trying to post more regularly - and it's a struggle.

Worked on all the prints I have in the pipeline - trying to get Gtown ones finished first.  Then I got distracted on new drawings, and then postcards for May, and then it's 8!  All going ok.  More on track today mentally.

Grateful for:

new ideas

creativity

an outlet to express myself.

 

 April has been kind of rough - similar to last year.  Taxes were a huge hurdle, and then just general anxiety about future, past, memories, grief, and avoidance.

Hard to make choices about what to work on, and lots of avoidance of hard drawing projects, and plans for future (shirts, cards, calendar, sales, open studios)  I think about these things, but don't act on them.  I have a long list of things to buy, but I don't want to spend the $.  It's all mental gymnastics and self sabotage.

ANYWAY, today was ok.  Nice coffee with Cher this morning, and worked on moving forward with all the wood I cut yesterday.  prints for GTown, and long-standing commissions.  Really need to deep clean screens, but then I tell myself to wait until I've gotten this next batch of prints finished.  Priority.

But there is always a new deadline, and I so easily procrastinate doing the drudge work.

Rainy night.  Will be happy to get home.

Gratitude
for:

An amazing studio

Laughing with Cher

Emma is healthy

 A wash-out week focused on how badly I don't want to do my taxes.  We'll today I finally did, and all was not so bad.  It's Mount Everest in my head, and a little hill to cross on paper.  

Settling accounts, adding everything up, and facing all the ups and downs of last year.  I wish I could go into more detail, but that's all too personal.  Enough to say that working for yourself can be really bizarre and internal and like you are living off the grid.  Taxes are a back to reality moment, a wake-up call.

Anyway, another late Friday, and I'm feeling the typical angst and guilt of not getting the things done that I think I should have done, while completely ignoring the things I did do, and should be proud of.  I beat up on myself a lot.  

It's so incredibly quiet here in the studio right now.  Usually, music or blogs are blaring.  I have this nice peaceful time to feel settled about all that I've been so worried about, to get through it, but my body and mind are still very caught up in a worry hangover.

I'll go home, enjoy my time with Hex, and stick it out of my mind.  But it will come back tomorrow.

- - - -

7104 Old Gate Road was sold this week.  Now that's a big deal.

 Angst over drawing and business and taxes and everything else!

Spring downdrums continue.  But I make progress here and there, so that's good.  Postcard club going ok, but how to grow?

SM continues to bug me, but it's a journey, and so I approach it like that.  Drew today, but not the most pressing ones.  A few are just absolutely impossible for me to master.  One just lingers and lingers and lingers.  It blocks me from doing anything and everything else.

Another is just a lost cause.  How to pull the plug?  ugh.

You oughta know
That even when it's time, you might not wanna go
But it's okay to cry and it's alright to fold
But you are not alone
You are not unknown

EVERYBODY DIES, by Billie Ellish

 A crazy time - bracing for worse, and proceeding like it's only on the other side of the world.  Reminds me so much of covid when we didn't even consider the idea that it would have an impact here.  I don't know, maybe it won't, but I think it will.  Talking about war, and how it may escalate.  I cannot believe it hasn't.  Anyway, it's always on my mind, on the back burner, stalking me.

Nicer weather, and feelings like I should be taking better advantage of it.  I always feel like I'm not doing enough.  At least in winter there is always an excuse, but as spring comes, that evaporates.  And as the restrictions of covid fade away, the city is teeming with new energy and activity.  And I usually feel like just a spectator.

Resolved to buckle down after a few off the rail weeks of getting minimal done.  Today Im printing on paper, and will be drawing.  Have lots to draw.  

 

Hah, low blood sugar, or low energy, so this whole post is sliding into a pity party.  But things are ok, relatively speaking.  Lots on my mind, but where to put it.  I just don't know...