Wednesday, September 19, 2018

Happy that we are done with Emmas surgery and recovery!

Happy that we started garage!

Happy that the sun was out today after 365 days of darkness and rain!

Hate tr*mp!

Monday, August 27, 2018

hot hot hot, back to hot!

wilted in dog park.  Wish I had a pool to lay in like emma!

nice bday party for dad yesterday.  steak and pork and corn and fruit and coconut cake.

last week in august!

Think I finally got my Internet here fixed today.  Fingers crossed.  Finally he replaced the cord inside.  If I have trouble again, I'm going to cry.

Notable rapprochement with AS today.  Happy she came by, and we had a chance to talk.  Feels resolved.


Monday, August 20, 2018

Not such a great sale saturday.  People walking by, but not much mood to buy.  It's so strange when there is such a different vibe from week to week.  It's never a great feeling to be standing there, with your pants down, and people hardly looking.  At least that is what it feels like.

Anyway, happy with the totes, think they are a good new thing to sell.  We stayed for a couple hours, then went home and conked out.  Weekends have been weird.  all I want to do is nap and be lazy.

Back to studio today, trying to regroup for the 1,000 time, and find my way into the fall.

Never like this time of year.  The world stops while everybody is away.
dear bunny,

it's been days and weeks since you died, and I'm still unable to wrap my head around it.  I knew it was coming, or at least I dreaded it often, but I just blocked that out of head, much like I've tried to block this out.

How can you be gone --- really dead.  I can't stand to think about never hugging you again (softly like you taught me, so I don't crush your chest)  Or never smelling your hair again.  I always loved the smell of your shampoo.

I really think about this!  I even collected some of your clothes the night you died, just so I could keep smelling you.  But of course that is not the same.  it will never be the same.  Life will never be the same, without you.

Looking back on all our years together, I have big memory gaps.  I can't figure out why I wasn't there to help you move in poolsville last time, or when you moved out of John's rented house.  The only thing I can come up with is that I was protecting myself, because sometimes I just had to draw a line.  I was always so susceptible to being drawn into your sadness, wanting to make it my sadness as well.  I would do ANYTHING for you.  Anything.  I would happily sacrifice myself to make you happy.  Because it's easy for me to say that I always saw your sadness, and I always wanted to fix it, or help you, or support you.  But in the end I didn't know what more to do.  I knew that moving you out to Mom and dads was a last resort.  Life or death.  I'm so grateful to them for being there for you.  They made sure you stayed in school, got your degree, found a job, and stayed employed, and insured.  52 years of unwavering love and support.

When Hex and I first went out to pack your things, I was expecting the worst.  I hadn't been out there in years, and for you, they hadn't been good years.  But your place was just incredible, full of all your little keepsakes, carefully assembled and stacked and cataloged, and organized like only you could do.  Dog bowls, wood signs, old books, sharks teeth, clocks, and leashes, and cozy blankets.  All collected and cherished.  I was blown away.  In the midst of all your illness, you managed to keep your surroundings in order, and I felt so proud of you.

The last few years were the worst, I knew.  Safe with mom and dad, but locked inside yourself.  You didn't want to say much, because you didn't think you had anything to say.

After you died, and everybody reached out, all they could remember was the Sue of the past.  The Super fun Sue.  Always laughing, and energetic, and tan.  You brought so much happiness to so many people with your smile and wisdom and caring.  I LOVE to remember this Sue.

I remember all the amazing times we had growing up.  You were such a daredevil, and I was always trying to reign you in.  Building forts in far way woods, going under 270 in the sewer, staying up later than we were allowed to, driving a car way before you knew how, skipping school, skipping church, and playing with our christmas presents in the middle of December while mom and dad were away.

We were like twins, always together, and always understanding each other.  And we loved to be together. 

I remember our wrestling matches on mom and dads tall bed, which we would always start with an emphatic NO TICKLING !  Or our short back rubs,10 minutes each.  And I remember you torturing me by pining my arms down with your knees and waiving your long hair in my face, or running up from the basement and turning the lights off , leaving me down there alone in complete darkness,  terrified!

I never had hard feelings because I loved you so much, so genuinely, and looked up to you.  I worshiped you.  And I always knew the feeling was mutual.

One memory sticks out.  We were punished together for some reason, and told to stay in our rooms.  I remember how we stretched our little bodies across the hallway carpet, my feet in my room, and your feet in yours.  I just love this image of us just wanting to be together.  I remember our sleep overs when grandma and grandma would stay.  We would set of the army cot in my room, and you would sleep inside your super cozy holly hobby sleeping bag.  Or sleeping downstairs by the glowing fireplace.  All the doors closed, you closest to the fireplace, and me pressed beside you.

So many memories that I will always keep deep inside for the both of us, and cherish forever.

I remember you always always always wanted a pet that you could call your own.  First it was a mouse named bernard, then a random Fox from Leslie Valario, and finally Emma, a fox red lab that reminded you of the dogs from Where the Red Fern Grows.  Emma was your prize!  You trained her to be the best dog ever, and took her on adventures that all dogs would dream of. Then came Bailey, and Salinger, and Sam, and much later Emmet.  All there to surround you with love and comfort and purpose.

I will never forget the night that Bailey passed away, and I came out to help you bury her.  You put your sweet hand on the box she lay in, and poured out your soul to her.  I had never seen an expression of love so powerful.  I can't even begin to describe it here.  It was so beautiful and I'm lucky to have been there to see it, and all these years later it still brings me to tears.  I was so moved, and will never forget it.

Dear Sue, 

Im sorry you were so sad, and so ill, for so long.  I knew it, and could see it, but I didn't know what to do.  I was afraid to ask you important questions, or to confront you about things I knew that were happening.  I was scared it would open the infinite hole of darkness I had seen in the past.  Please forgive me.

Instead we played parcheesi.  Endless rounds of parcheesi with Hex and Jimmy.  It was always so cool to see how this brought out the old Sue.  Fun and alert and competitive and strong.  I always knew that these times with you were special, and brought you happiness, even if just for a few hours a week.  It would be so hard to leave, especially when you would ask for just one more game.

I can't stand to think of never getting to see you again, and to hug you tightly, and smell your hair, and hear you laugh, and see you smile.  I will miss you forever.  You were an amazing sister, and daughter and teacher, and friend.  you always loved me with all your heart, and I still feel it, even now.

love dave

Wednesday, August 8, 2018


this week is like a slow parade, walking towards saturday reluctantly.  Writing what I'm going to say is torture, so I put it off, then go back to it.

So so hot.  Emma had a blast at the park today.  Got there early, and gradually dogs came in.  She tried her hardest to play with each, but there was little interest.  So she would run around and around then end up in the pool.  Finally a dog came in that was ready to play, and they went nuts.  After planning to keep the bitty-play to a minimum, all was lost.  All they was to do is jump all over each other, and bite each others necks.  Emma always seems to be on the losing end, but she is all in, clearly having fun.

Added more shirts to the site, and plan to take some pics next week.  This weekend will cap off a month of anticipation and dread.  It won't be over, but at least it will be behind.  After wards I think I will feel freer again.

Monday, August 6, 2018

Dog Days 2018 went well, thanks to Hexy!

Good weather - hot and sunny both days.  We got out just as the sun was shifting, so not too bad.  Lucked out that the painter hadn't claimed the entire area.  Nice to be back on 14th.

Selling vibe different - new crowds and attitudes I guess.  The whole Dog Days vibe has evaporated.  Used to be a fun local think, but I didn't feel that at all.  Mostly just the regular weekend crowds, which have steadily gotten much bigger over the years.

And the interest is different too.  More browsy, and less into buying.  I feel like.  Did ok $ wise in comparison, but really felt a change.

Anyway, busy day recovering, and adding more shirts to the website.

Anniversary of picking out Emma at Belquest today.  Hard to believe a year has passed!!!!!

xoxo emma!

Friday, August 3, 2018

Tired after a busy few days preparing for Dog Days sale.  After it all I'm sitting here thinking: is it really worth it?  Probably just the tired mood I'm in, but sometimes I have to wonder.  When I add up all the expenses and most importantly the time, I bet it's break even or less.  Ugh, depressing.

Hoping it's a good day.  I have mugs and cards and prints and shirts.  Almost 200 shirts!  Don't know how this will all fit on the tables, and expect to be in competition with the painter who has taken up residence in my old front-of-the-studio spot.

Cheer up, it will be good to be selling again.

Wednesday, August 1, 2018

dear dave,

tired back, tired eyes, and tired puppy.

Lots of standing today, and I feel it right now.  Ugh I'm getting older.

Making cards for pixies, and Commission for Hans.  Everything going fine, but times a ticking.  Taking Monday off is looking like a bad idea in retrospect.

Lots of park time again for Emma.  Loves the pool, and loves to bite play with worthy and willing opponents.  All good until other dogs get involved.  I hate when they team up on each other.  But all seems to get worked out.  They never go too far.  Somehow they (usually) know when to stop.

Tuesday, July 31, 2018

R.I.P. Remimartin - my baby, always!


Feeling better after a cathartic weekend (and horrific over night in Rockville).  Massages do wonders.

Busy printing for commissions, reprint orders, and dog days (this weekend!)  Lots of shirts to make.

Great time with Emma this afternoon at the dog park.  She loves that kiddie pool, and playing with dogs.   Lots of fun.


Saturday, July 28, 2018

So hurt by XX, after seeing their ad on FB yesterday for my replacement (with my artwork).

I wrongly assumed that they were going in a different direction, something without illustrations, or a very different style, or less expensive.  I was wrong - the ad uses my art as an example of what they are looking for, quotes a larger fee than I had been getting, and list everything required as exactly what I had been doing.

What a punch in the gut.  It feels so personal.  For a reason I don't understand, they just didn't want me anymore.  I've gotten nothing but effusive praise from them (always), and have worked with them for 8 years.  WTF?

I reached out to xxxx, but haven't heard back.  Maybe I never will.

Thursday, July 26, 2018

More sad days, and a lot of not so bad days.

Sue continues to dominate my thoughts, but less so the past few days.  Gearing up for her memorial, and have no idea what I am going to say, besides all the cliche stuff.  Thought today about David Saderis, and how he would have a beautiful story to tell.  I wish I could write something like that.  Funny and sad and sentimental.

Went through some of her journals on Sunday.  They were a jumble of thoughts and drawings.  Lists and poems and odes to her dogs.  Many I think written on drunken summer nights out in Poolesville.  So creative and sweet and sad and funny.  I shared a book with Jimmy, and was surprised to see her read it for a long while.  I wouldn't think she would understand her writing, or her logic.  She commented how sad Sue seemed in the books.  She really did.

So grateful to reach Casey on FB.  My greatest hope and achievement after Sue died.  Every time I think about their relationship I get chocked up.  Sue was so regretful.  Whatever happened between them was toxic at the end, and Casey never gave Sue a chance to make it right.  Something that she never got over, I know.  Just making peace with her, in my small way, makes me feel like Ive fulfilled some sort of dieing wish.  She loved her so much.



Wednesday, July 11, 2018

Sad to discover I won't be doing XX illustrations anymore.  Decided to do something else.  Bummer.

One door closes, another window opens.

?

Tuesday, July 10, 2018

More sad days pile up.  We saw Sue for the last time yesterday.  A long hot car ride to Baltimore, and sitting in a little funeral waiting room, looking at my shoes on the carpet and anticipating the worst.  It wasn't so bad, she was mostly covered, and her face had color.  Ha, it always did! 

I tried to absorb the image as best I could, and to honor all that she means to me.  But it's not something you want to linger over, the face of your dead sister.  I thought about touching her, but wasn't compelled. The exact opposite, so I didn't.

Another longer hotter car ride home, with a stop at the rest area on 95.  i remember meeting her there on our way out to the bay with the dogs.  I took Polaroids of us with young remi.  lots of memories of being with her out in nature.  Driving to remote places and tanning or walking the dogs.

Emma is frustrating us by not eating her food.  It is such a weird problem.  And leads to so much anxiety.  Otherwise she seems normal.  Or more hyper.  Just took her to the dog park where she had a lot of fun, especially with a great Dane.  I looked on prying she would get trampled.  It was huge, but very gentle.


Friday, June 29, 2018

Wretched grieving the loss of Sue.  Haunted by the idea that I will never see her again, smell her, and hold her.  I will miss her forever and ever and ever.

Lots of her things to sort through and distribute.  A daunting task.

I searched high and low through her room and car and phone for something that she may have written.  Found a bunch of sequential notes on an ipod, written a few years ago.  Insights to what she was dealing with, but all very much of what I already understood.

It's just so sad.  I realize I have 50 years worth inside of emotions and upsets and worries for her well being.  And a million memories of fun and love.  I have to be determined to think of things in a positive light:  She is finally free.  And in a wierd and obvious way, so am I.









Thursday, June 28, 2018

A horrible day I will never forget