No wonder I get a pit in my stomach every time I go to SM - I never know what I'm going to find.  Stressed out all week about getting prints there, and low and behold, another shop delivered prints there already.  

So:

1. I didn't need to stress about the time, and bumping this ahead of probably more pressing things was a mistake that I cannot undo.

2. Great - the other shop doesn't want them anymore, so another shop in the system that is cutting off inventory.

Ugh - feeling sorry for myself the whole way home.  I keep telling myself I need to change outlook, or look for other baskets to put my eggs.  I know I am putting way too much energy into something that has diminishing returns.  I feel so defeated.

Anyway - I like the way my prints came out, which is fundamental to everything.  Sent in postcard designs for May and once again VP is only offering shipping dates way out - 9 days.  Ugh

 

 

Gratitude:

My health

Emma's health

Hexy's health

 

 ok trying to post more regularly - and it's a struggle.

Worked on all the prints I have in the pipeline - trying to get Gtown ones finished first.  Then I got distracted on new drawings, and then postcards for May, and then it's 8!  All going ok.  More on track today mentally.

Grateful for:

new ideas

creativity

an outlet to express myself.

 

 April has been kind of rough - similar to last year.  Taxes were a huge hurdle, and then just general anxiety about future, past, memories, grief, and avoidance.

Hard to make choices about what to work on, and lots of avoidance of hard drawing projects, and plans for future (shirts, cards, calendar, sales, open studios)  I think about these things, but don't act on them.  I have a long list of things to buy, but I don't want to spend the $.  It's all mental gymnastics and self sabotage.

ANYWAY, today was ok.  Nice coffee with Cher this morning, and worked on moving forward with all the wood I cut yesterday.  prints for GTown, and long-standing commissions.  Really need to deep clean screens, but then I tell myself to wait until I've gotten this next batch of prints finished.  Priority.

But there is always a new deadline, and I so easily procrastinate doing the drudge work.

Rainy night.  Will be happy to get home.

Gratitude
for:

An amazing studio

Laughing with Cher

Emma is healthy

 A wash-out week focused on how badly I don't want to do my taxes.  We'll today I finally did, and all was not so bad.  It's Mount Everest in my head, and a little hill to cross on paper.  

Settling accounts, adding everything up, and facing all the ups and downs of last year.  I wish I could go into more detail, but that's all too personal.  Enough to say that working for yourself can be really bizarre and internal and like you are living off the grid.  Taxes are a back to reality moment, a wake-up call.

Anyway, another late Friday, and I'm feeling the typical angst and guilt of not getting the things done that I think I should have done, while completely ignoring the things I did do, and should be proud of.  I beat up on myself a lot.  

It's so incredibly quiet here in the studio right now.  Usually, music or blogs are blaring.  I have this nice peaceful time to feel settled about all that I've been so worried about, to get through it, but my body and mind are still very caught up in a worry hangover.

I'll go home, enjoy my time with Hex, and stick it out of my mind.  But it will come back tomorrow.

- - - -

7104 Old Gate Road was sold this week.  Now that's a big deal.

 Angst over drawing and business and taxes and everything else!

Spring downdrums continue.  But I make progress here and there, so that's good.  Postcard club going ok, but how to grow?

SM continues to bug me, but it's a journey, and so I approach it like that.  Drew today, but not the most pressing ones.  A few are just absolutely impossible for me to master.  One just lingers and lingers and lingers.  It blocks me from doing anything and everything else.

Another is just a lost cause.  How to pull the plug?  ugh.

You oughta know
That even when it's time, you might not wanna go
But it's okay to cry and it's alright to fold
But you are not alone
You are not unknown

EVERYBODY DIES, by Billie Ellish

 A crazy time - bracing for worse, and proceeding like it's only on the other side of the world.  Reminds me so much of covid when we didn't even consider the idea that it would have an impact here.  I don't know, maybe it won't, but I think it will.  Talking about war, and how it may escalate.  I cannot believe it hasn't.  Anyway, it's always on my mind, on the back burner, stalking me.

Nicer weather, and feelings like I should be taking better advantage of it.  I always feel like I'm not doing enough.  At least in winter there is always an excuse, but as spring comes, that evaporates.  And as the restrictions of covid fade away, the city is teeming with new energy and activity.  And I usually feel like just a spectator.

Resolved to buckle down after a few off the rail weeks of getting minimal done.  Today Im printing on paper, and will be drawing.  Have lots to draw.  

 

Hah, low blood sugar, or low energy, so this whole post is sliding into a pity party.  But things are ok, relatively speaking.  Lots on my mind, but where to put it.  I just don't know...

 

 Fridays come around fast.  

Month switched over, which is always stressful with $$$$$ going out.  

 

My replacement credit card never came, so I've been reluctantly using debit, which also makes me sick to my stomach.  Ordered a huge batch of cards / envelopes for SM, and it was a big hill to get over.  Frustration with WSM coming to a head.  Reached out via email, but no response yet.  I guess it's just confirmation of what I already suspected?  Hoping for the best, but bracing for the worst.  I just don't get it.

After all my angst, I'll look at IG artists, and feel positive again.  But then it always goes straight back to > How??? I know the answer is tied up into work ethic, which I'm always lacking.  Anyway, wah wah wah

Working on REDBUD, and struggling thru commissions.  Waiting to hear on a draft I sent out, which is super nerve racking!  Reminds me of collecting on lawn cutting.  I was always so hesitant about my work.

 

Dave - - - > what a mess!

 

it's  a sunny friday morning, I'm here early, and already stalling.  Pick yourself up, and get to work!

 Wednesday already - the days melt away.

Finally got out some commissions out today after the lag in printing.  Screens still showing pinholes, but they didn't really affect the printing much.

No work over the weekend - and monday was a holiday, so it wasn't really productive.  I have a lot to do, but im dragging my feet (as usual).  

Printing Nancy on paper right now.  Mystified why I can't get the registration right - makes zero sense.  So I plod along color by color, the hard way.

 Its friday night - - -

ok day, but probably got half done that I should have.  Made screens for commissions, and they all needed to be made again.  Thank god, I figured out how to fix (pinholes galore) - - shorter exposure time.

When I'm working on these prints, I lag so much.  And then problems arise, and all gets delayed.  Its a clusterfuck.

Anyway, back on track, and just plodding along.  Every day, I get more anxious about SM, and the fact that days are going by, stacking up, week by week.  I let time slip away.  I fool myself into thinking it's in abundance, when really it's not.

Thought about taking tomorrow off, but its smarter to work all around.  And emma to great falls, she needs it!

Day was spent cutting and preparing wood for printing.  Found a great long piece of plywood in a dumpster on my walk with Emma yesterday.  Perfect timing.  Easy to cut, and will be great to print on. 

 

I also had plywood that I bought a few weekends ago, but I forgot I put it on the light table, and lost my mind looking around the studio for it.  I was convinced that I had maybe used it?  Because I remember interacting with it, but I was so stumped.  Typical of the time - the digital and real world are blending together, and reality warps a bit.  It's really strange.

Much warmer weather, so easy to be in and out.  Poor Emma having an episode, but it's not that bad.

Feel blah.

Got postcards in finally, and mailed out all my club envelopes.  The whole excitement about it has diffused.  I don't know why.  I hate when that happens!

 

 I let myself get out of the habit of blogging, and days go by, and I say to myself, ahh, just skip it.  But I think that's a mistake, so maybe I can course correct.

Good day after a few days of lousy discipline over drawing and being productive in general.  I got a few good orders in for commissions, then stalled on actually doing them.  Well, after torture drawing Piper for cord, I think I finally have something I like, so I was able to move on to others and forward.  YAY ! ! ! ! !

Got postcard club up and running, but stalled on that too with delay from vistaprint, and just a feeling like I've over-pushed it already.  Without the cards in hand, I feel bad with all the promo I did.  Got a bunch of subscribers, which only makes me want more.  High hopes for it all.

SM really stalled, and not sure how to proceed.  No check for Jan yet, but I'm expecting it to be small.  Ugh, what to do?  Partially just time of year, but still, wharf has me most concerned...

Really need to set out on new paths, and motivations.  And STOP WASTING TIME monitoring all the websites I use to waste time. 

Ok, enough for today.  oh, also my credit card was stolen for somebody's UBER trip,  Glad I spotted online, but so violated, and pissed I have to get a new card.  FUCKERS,

 

 Thursday.  Productive - made BEARS REPEATING and finished NOSE print.  Realized that hey, I can print these on paper too if I want to.  Maybe I will.

Prepared cards for ShopMade and Buzz, and last minute decided to put off delivery of both for tomorrow.  Snow is forecasted, so I was all high on doing it tonight, then all fizzled when i contemplated driving all around.  Easier to do in morning.  I get so caught up in the timing.  Suddenly it's just U R G E N T that they have these things, so they can put them out on the floor, and they can sell ! ! ! ! !  Now now now ! ! ! !  It's dumb.  The reality is so different.  They take their time. ugh

no word from Wharf which ticks me off.  Another reason for not rushing out tonight.  I wasn't up for the upset (that I anticipate when I see what is there)

Dad doing ok - which is nice to hear.

Super cold.  Snow coming tomorrow but will probably fizzle.  Hope it doesn't mess up Hex's travel, but of course it has potential too.

 super cold

finished 2 more micro orders (came out really great) ONE MORE TO GO ! ! !

Got valentines and they are really cute.  Hope they sell!  LOW expectations / low 3 ordered.  Fingers crossed.

Frustrations with SM - hmmmm.  Lotsa q's

Hexy leaves saturday